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My grade school was a private Lutheran affair. The concept was taught, but not forced upon us at that age. Now whether that was just how the school operated or we weren't old enough yet to be fully indoctrinated, I'll never know. We had bible lessons & gathered in the church each Wednesday, but that was it. My family never went back for Sunday service, we didn't participate in away games, never spoke about it at home unless I was studying. All my parents wanted was for me to be in a good school and that seemed to fit the bill. I don't remember what I learned about the book in all those years, which may have been telling for how I'd look upon religion later in life. At the time, it was just a place where I could have a super rad day. And oh yeah, there was a picture or two of jesus on the wall. But there were also pictures of butterflies and macaroni art, so there's that.
Later in junior high, my best friend Veronica would invite me to spend Saturday night with her, as long as I went to catholic church Sunday morning. It was the occasional insistence by her mom, over some sort of guilt I never quite understood. But she would drop us off, speeding away while yelling see you in 3 hours... We were good kids, so like what was I repenting for? At Veronica's insistence, I even took the eucharist once, which as a non-catholic I think is super shameful according to the fictional rules. check and mate. Admittedly, it was weird for numerous reasons, including lack of tastyness. But wasting a Sunday morning was worth it to spend time with her.
In high school I befriended some chick who I soon found out, went to Wednesday night youth group. Why is that the choicest weekday to be saved? She invited me all the time and I eventually said yes out of frustration. For me, high school was a time to discover myself, my friends, in between getting a little high and a little tripped. So when given the opportunity to go undercover and infiltrate the seedy world of kids doing clean fun, my dipped brain said I'm there. They played kick ball and tag for an hour before gathering to review the previous weeks' learnings. I remember sitting on the floor in a circle, just like I did when I was in Lutheran school. I darted my eyes back and forth to everyone in the room, almost as if I had left my body and could hover above the crowd. I was staring back at kids who were barely older than me, acting like they were put upon thy hard plastic chair for the ultimate purpose. About 10 minutes later, I once again shelved my detective hat and went back to being a me who didn't give a shit.
To this day, religion makes me anxious & nervous. Other than eating, breathing & drinking - I don't like being forced to do something that millions of others are into; I don't enjoy feeling like I must check in with an invisible parent all the time, whose index finger is invariably stretched in a point. I don't care for the idea I must live up to unrealistic expectations or sweetly be told, I'm not worthy of this life. I don't believe in contradictory rules and I don't like something intangible legitimizing or de-ligitimizing any human, simply because a written invention decrees it. How if you're not all in, you can't be a true believer. That doesn't seem awesome to me. Why can't we just be nice and considerate and thoughtful to one another? Practicing that shouldn't come with a thousand tiny commandments.
Have most of the denominations been able to guile us so hard, we're chasing dangled carrots in the hopes of a few holy bites? I kinda feel like it is. Whether you're a kid bargaining for a sleepover, or a grownup pledging eternal loyalty for a blissful afterlife. It's all the same - do the thing that sucks and you'll get something good in return. I could go to the gym and get the same effect.
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My first experience with Scientology wasn't driving past the Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, mumbling a soft woah... Nor asking why is that building so blue. And finally pondering who is L. Ron Hubbard and why is his name on everything. Nope, it was on a walk with Travis soon after we started dating. We passed this used book store and I was already being summoned like a paper moth. Outside was a cart of $1 books and I randomly picked up Dianetics. I had vague memories of their commercials but always thought it was for a fictional narrative. Like how James Patterson's thrillers are advertised every 3 months. whoops. The church probably equates stores like that as the Napster of print because they insist you only buy new copies of their rhetoric. Travis sermonized how LRH was a science fiction writer and created this overlord character called Xenu, who brought some of his people to the prison planet Earth, where they exploded in volcanoes or something and the spirits attached themselves to humans (called thetans.) It sounded like a pretty good story. And then he told me no, that was his "religion."
come again?
I remember thinking how made up it sounded. How silly. How if that was the core of this fundamental movement, why would anyone follow it? I laughed at this idea which sounded so preposterous, yet it knocked on my detective door once again. I kinda wanted to know more about a religion that wasn't. I mean for a person who has never studied the concept, that's what it seemed like.
So over the years, I've read articles for and against the faith because the more I know, the more informed decision I can make. At book club, we read Beyond Belief by Jenna Miscavige Hill, the niece of the current Scientology leader, David Miscavige. Most points of view were the same theme: it's brainwashing, it's misleading, it's invasive. And I agree - there's something that's off about Scientology. I don't know what they stand for, other than the apparent need to give money and recruit others. To do what though!? It seems like a giant mass conspiracy to keep their classified, subterranean work secret - at any cost. But what is the work for?! {shakes atheist fist}
With the HBO documentary Going Clear premiering last week, it's just another group of people confirming what so many others have said. The behind closed doors accusations are staggering; abuse and threatening behavior at the forefront. Why do they separate families and have children doing manual labor? Why must you taunt others and disconnect from anyone who speaks ill of their business? Why is continually releasing secrets during auditing so important - are they proclaiming it to be therapy or confession?
I totally understand the need to be part of something, to work together and help sort out the questions in life. But I don't understand achieving that, when the cost of your "work" far outweighs the benefit.
I just don't get such madness.
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I am in NO WAY any sort of expert of the subject. I just know what I read, what I feel and what I believe. Which you may or may not agree with, but I guess in a way we're all at least a religion of one.
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