Sunday, July 26, 2015

Good Morning: A Conversation

It seems my mind shop never really closes, even when wafting on and off to sleep.  or working.  or writing.  or exercising.  or cooking.  or in therapy.  or during sex... yeah, that ones the worst.  It can't just be me - that's gotta be a thing other people experience too, right?

Thinkers, tinkers, and achievers, believers, connivers, and creativey types.  I'm sure you can relate to the idea we're in a near constant debate against the most personally crippling antagonist we will ever know.

*****

I forced my eyes to remain closed this morning in the hopes that today a cognitive reprieve would be granted.  Experiencing a days' worth of conversation without ever having peeped your waking surroundings in exhausting.  maybe next time:

  • i should get up.  don't open your eyes because you know there's no chance.  god why is there so much to do - i'm sure i won't get to it. again.  i better strip the paint off those wood beams because i don't want to make any rash decisions about painting or staining when the construction starts.  i wish it was done already so i could enjoy it.  that's not too much to ask.  will travis wanna sit out there with me and eat dinner?  i'm so looking forward to spending mornings with puppy.  when am i gonna exercise?  should i go running today because i think it's helping that area look better or am i just imagining it would. barre class is a quick hours' work and i don't want to lose the groupon and i don't know how many sessions are left.  but i could take puppy for a walk, then go jogging for a while, which would leave more of the morning free and burn more calories than barre, but it'll then be another damn week before i get back there and gah, how many classes do i have left?  i should just go.  i always feel better afterwards.  it'd be really nice to say fuck it all today and take a long, slow walk to the doughnut shop without feeling guilty.  i hate feeling guilty all the time.  but i'd be alone and that kinda sucks and then i'll lose two hours of my day just doing that and puppy wouldn't get a walk and travis won't get a doughnut or he will and then his guilt will come since he can't work out right now.  and then i'd feel bad and ugh... i should get up.  this is pointless.  my favorite time of day is happening and i'm wasting it laying here because i refuse to admit i'm up.  limes! i really want my own business.  oh yeah! i'll have lots of calories today after i workout so what dessert should i make?  i can't believe how much i enjoy cooking right now.  wait am i going or not going?  i have to make a decision.  i gotta be careful with all this low calorie business because I don't want the sunken face again.  but shit, isn't that the tradeoff between the insecurities of my legs and how my face looks.  i wish my legs looked better. i wish i didn't care.  what's that thing amy said?  you can't have a great ass and a great face?  i should look that up.  i'm so sick of blasted worrying all the time about this, maybe when i'm old i won't care.  maybe it's this city.  but if i'm fat when i'm old, that'll lead to other problems.  maybe i'll be like that 90 year old gymnast who never stops exercising.  that'll show my granny friends. i bet the neighborhood kids will like me.  my negative foot and busted up knee already suffer...  why am i so hard on myself?  why can't i get over all this shit.  i'm healthy.  i'm hungry.  why do i love the morning quiet so much?  i have this same set of fantasies each weekend for some life i don't live.  what can i make with all those blueberries i bought?  i want pancakes but those have calories. i want a muffin but what's a good vegan recipe?  i wish my brain knew this stuff.  all those limes that tree is gonna give birth.  fuck, i have so many ideas but so few actuals to show for it.  that sucks.  i need to change that because this one could really work.  i'd need a great name.  XXX lame.  XXX no that's awful, XXX is kinda silly but stupid for my personality.  maybe travis should help me because he's really good at that stuff.  but then if it's amazing, he'll get the credit and this is my thing.  no - saying that doesn't even feel right.  I should just love the idea it doesn't matter where it came from.  he's so supportive.  dude, how long have I been laying here pretending I'm asleep?  can i recreate this conversation and write it all down - this is important.  i pretend i don't want to check twitter and facebook but to myself.  that's odd.  did I post something on instagram last night?  i should just get up and make tea and write about that idea, finally.  i was gonna do it.  why do i fall into this pattern?  just do it dude because you know its awesome.  just like this other thing is awesome and you don't want to miss your opportunity.  ok i'll get up, make some tea, water the plants while I check the three, then take puppy for a walk, then i'll come back and write and brainstorm and be kinder to me........... ugh.  i should get up and start my day.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

A Curious Creature Indeed

"this creature, with his 2 missing legs and giant triangular antennae and long fur around the face is curious...  He has chased yours truly around all day, trying desperately for me to spend time in his drooling lair.  We've never met, let alone spoken to one another, so it's a bit forward I must say.  he's persistent, this one.

After spending much of the day taking in my surroundings, despite the creatures peculiar fascination, I was finally able to lift myself high enough out of reach.  With so much moving about, I've worked up quite the appetite and need a rest & a boost.  I take stock of my neighborhood and stroll by some dining establishments.

The Sill.  too sunny.
The Stagnant Saloon.  uh uh, a little foul for my taste.
The Counter.  seems just right

...and what's this??!  I always fancy a treat!

Why is this other giant creature with 4 missing legs, molded antennae and no fur is using some device to magnify me.  Can she not see very well?  Oh well, no bother.  This candy is serious business..."









~~~~~~~~~~


AHHHHHHHH!  NOW HE'S AFTER ME AGAIN, SNAPPING & INSISTING I VISIT HIS SLOBBERING CAVE!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

ACKKKKK!!!  HE GRABBED MY LEG AND NOW I ONLY HAVE 83.34% LEFT.  HOW CAN I GO ON............?

- Sir Flysington

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Construction Junction: What's Your Dysfunction

It's been a few months since I've been able to write about the renovation, although my mind hasn't been cleared of the deadline.  When I was finishing the last entry, a few gremlins collectively pressed the red button and ev-ree-thing exploded.  They must have had a good laugh.  Crying and hammering down what words I could remember suddenly made documenting the progress less enticing.  Or maybe my subconscious felt the blast was a metaphor for something I still have yet to understand.  Either way, the posting schedule shifted in favor of other things.

~~~~~

It's the middle of July now and I'm feeling the sweaty, uncomfortable pain of being a construction virgin.  Why isn't X calling?  Did X lie to me?  I don't know if I'm doing this right!  And because you all know me in some kind of intimate way, here's the haps:


ACES
  • At the end of June, our refinance and home equity line of credit closed!  Toodleoo, stupid PMI insurance, you can go bother someone else now please.  Howdy ho, low fixed rate home equity loan.  ALL THIS, A LOWER PAYMENT AND WE GET NEW SHIT!?!  $$ chu-ching, bitches $$
  • Our landscape architect has given us a lovely set of design plans.  This dude was also a dwelling architect, so he can visualize both sides coming together like cereal and Saturday Morning Cartoons.  YIPPEEE!  There's a color theme, vegetable beds, herb pots, outdoor dining, gobs of bee catnip, plants requiring little water, and a schmancy fence for our boy Leroy.   Once we, ahem I, understood the true cost of remodeling several thousand square feet of yard, we chopped that in half, stuck with the front, and the momentum realigned.
  • After many days of holding samples up outside, we've chosen a metal shake roof, color is obviously Charcoal.  \m/
  • After many days of swapping and staring and holding samples up outside, we're currently narrowed down the paint colors to a trifecta for the home/windows/trim.  Anonymous / Riverway / Tricorn Black OR Anonymous / Riverway / Black Fox.  obviously.


BOLLOCKS
  • Our general contractor, who is a family friend, had some recent health problems.  So the one dude who's been extra helpful and on our side, is partially down for the count.  Beyond anything we want him to be healthy, and rested, and ok!  But when you're right in the thick of things, suddenly you don't know how to proceed.  We've spoken periodically and because he's getting stronger every day, we're able to work within his schedule.  whew.
  • The initial roof bid was fantastic!  But last Monday he put on his bummer pants because the salesman calculated the sizing wrong.  damn.  This guy knows his stuff, we truly believe it was a mistake and not a bogus measure & switch.  I even rushed to vet another company just in case, but they were scattered & condescendingly not helpful, plus their estimate was more then double.  So until our GC either offers another solution or says you're golden, we're in a holding pattern.

~~~~~

We can prepare, gather & educate ourselves to the point of exhaustion, but since every job is different, asking for advice will only get Travis and I so far.  Ultimately it comes down to getting dirty, and possibly learning the hard way, the rest on our own.  Which I'm totally prepared to do, because we plow on as two, optimistically smart humans.

But there are numerous shifting pieces and we haven't even dropped a single nail yet.  I do loves me some organizing, yet I'll admit there's a lot to manage.  Some people can afford, or even want, the contracting company's role to be "don't bother me kid, just execute."  Others have an exact vision and say "don't bother me with your ideas kid, just execute."  And then there's the rest of us.  The inbetweeners; The participators.  We can describe our style, enjoy the collaboration, make sure specific elements are included and willing to handle some labor.  Yet need that outside voice to influence where necessary and help weave the seams into a beautiful view.

Luckily, the two companies we're currently working with are extremely patient & supportive: answering questions, setting expectations and defining the responsibility line.  Basically putting my mind at ease, even though I may forget they've done so.  The team you entrust should enhance your weakness' and celebrate your strengths.  

That's the tops!

***

For the roof, we can't do much except pick a style and color.  For the landscaping, however, we are involved with foliage options, colors, decor, style, siding, trees, seating... Should this MOD planter be turquoise, red or orange?  Should the ground cover be flat or spunky?  What stain do we choose?  Must we cut back the overhang because honestly what difference will it make?  We have to find lighting and a doorbell button and house numbers and a mailbox...  Did I mention there's boatloads more?

I've fought some anxiety associated to the number of decisions this process has already required because I don't want to misuse the dollars we've allocated.  Especially when you're looking online at the rabbit hole of information that floods mine eyes, there seems no end in sight.  I could honestly dedicate each workday to just putting together "the idea" and still have more to go.  In those moments, I wrestle with the fantasy of handing the entire thing off.  I would lose some control, but maybe in a stressful situation that's ok?  nah, who am I kidding... I know me.  I couldn't give up that easily because then I wouldn't learn.  And learning I crave.  Sure, maybe I'd gain time back in my diary, but I would always question what the outcome would have been.... instead of what it becomes.

Some days I can't wait to start and others I wanna run away because everything is moving too fast.  Which I'm sure is normal, so I guess better to get wet with an outdoor project vs. indoors where you're doubley disrupted.  And finally being able to write down the events that have occurred over the last few months does nicely illustrate more positives then negatives.

Because when you're gonna blow your equity wad, you may only get one shot.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

When Your Number Is Extended.

"Nothing happens until something moves."
- Albert Einstein

Reflection is a peach, ain't it?  If only those words had graced my plate all those months ago I could have saved a lot of heartache.  you'll see.  This is the conclusion to a series of four posts relating to what had been happening with my job & company.  This cessation on pixelated paper started the weekend leading into February 2, but I could never corral the words to finish.  The events ended up being too raw for any cohesion, let alone finding the strength to edit myself.  And although often present in thought, patiently its been waiting in drafts' silence.

Recently I grabbed a doughnut, lifted the lid and peeked inside.  For what it's worth, this is about 68% original words.

And I'm sorry it took so long to see the end, if anyone (I'm sure no one) had been following the story.

*************************

Monday, February 2.

My gut told me this would be the week; no more delays.  The air was thicker, the people combative - or maybe I was just conditionally defeated and every interaction felt like junk.  I didn't want to speak with anyone, let alone be there, but no where else would have me.  The Trojan horse was nearly upon us and I had zero defense.

I distracted myself with work, begging to keep afloat; tasks requiring anything above a key punch should be avoided.  I expelled tremendous amounts of energy willing all the feelings down, placing cupped hands over my eyes & fingers plugging my ears while invisible pink slips danced in the wings.  But it was no use; the day was shot.  All I'd been able to do was hitchhike around my head, holding a Map of the Imminent.  How could I have experienced so much already, with so much left in the distance?  I was thrashed, somber, and unhinged...  The clock sluggishly found 6 and I headed home, wondering whether tonight will finally reveal the impending tomorrow.

Travis could sense the agitation as I walked in the house.  He asked how this Monday had been any different than all the other times it was supposed to have happened.  I remained motionless, unintentionally ignoring him while my head grasped for sense.  It just was and I attempted to articulate more: was it intuition, was it a desire to rip off the bandaid?  I hacked away at the emotional onion, but it was void of substance.  Even tears.  I just needed to know he was there when all others had long split.

I planned to go with him to his late night comedy show, because fuck it all if I'm tired.  Before leaving though, I called my best friend Anne.  I had to ramble to another set of ears in an attempt to silence mine.  And after what I'm sure were long-winded sentences, the lightbulbs stopped their electric flicker.  ...pretty sure I sight-gag dropped the telephone.  The months of mental anguish I forced myself through hadn't prepared me for shit because it wasn't working towards anything definitive.  Just a bunch of vague birds squawking, their flightpath dancing to the ACME carnival band.  And already chosen was the first bird to poop.  So dude, it was all for naught.  How could I have not seen that.  Or maybe I did but I just didn't want to accept it.

The conversation said goodbye and for the first time in what seemed like over a year, I actually shelved those blasted thoughts.  It was so liberating to close the door for a night, while I enjoyed the company of a most handsome husband.  We went out and had a swell evening, lots of laughs and some beers.



Tuesday, February 3.

NOTE: I had a lot typed here initially.  A lot.  Details accounting most of the day because maybe as a reader you've never experienced a giant layoff.  In a nutshell - it's hard... really, truly, miserably hard.  In seconds you find out some really amazing colleagues were just canned and even less time to question why you were spared.  And in my case, again for the umpteenth time.  But as I switched this, moved that, redacted here - it was either nothing new or nothing interesting.

*****


9:00am and the company wide email arrived to innocent inbox's & apprehensive eyeballs.
fuck.
9:00am, 37 seconds and on to the afternoon was sad.  So very, very sad.


I spent those spiritless hours being there for anyone who wanted to talk.  Those choice people would entrust me to hold their crying tears, or happy tears, their secrets...  I'd hold them for how ever long was needed.  It was my small way of making a contribution to such an event.

If by 5pm our bodies still remained on site, we were employed.

~~~~~

Travis and I took a walk that evening and I talked more of what happened.  About my friends who suddenly faced joblessness in two months and how it made me feel.  Not selfishly, but therapeutically.  Many of those people hoped they would receive papers and for those, I say hellz yeah.  But some weren't as optimistic and that fully sucked.  To leave on your own accord is palatable, to be asked to leave is not something easily digested.  And for the colleague who'd screamed the loudest for change {clears throat} namely me, I was told the only thing to look forward to was my boss having a new face.



So It Goes.
I spent way too much precious time working the various angles of my future, analyzing what a layoff would or would not have meant.  Justified the pros and cons, rationaled daily where my career was, where I desired it and what did I even want anymore.  If I'd been working a theoretical math problem, there'd be no visible blackboard.  I drove myself batty inside a deprivation mind pod of what-ifs.  And you know what?  It never made a fucking difference in the end.  The creation of a new division and retaining 'the best' people wasn't even a blip of consideration, so thanks brain for prolonging the distress.  'preciate it.

I met Tough Tuesday with my hard fought decision that being laid off was the answer because the situation had become so bad, for so long.  I justified it as being the push over the cliff needed to work towards what I'd been threatening for a while: starting something artistic & entrepreneurial.  I have ideas!  But at a deeper level, a layoff became a fantasy.  A short answer to a long term stalemate.  This crutch I was clinging to inadvertently became the excuse for why I never started previously.  It came down to the justification that without a 9-5 job, I'd finally have the means and time to pursue this thing.  whatever this was.  And although not totally inaccurate, probably wasn't the best approach.  But it was something theoretically tangible so I went with it.

Being vulnerable is tough.  Being vulnerable financially and businessey is super tough.  I sought change in my life, but did I need to lose my job in order to make that happen? 

*****

Shortly after the new division found its footing, movement towards opportunity was suddenly a very real concept.  My new faced boss listened, cared about what I wanted and pushed to know what I needed.  Not just additional responsibility and challenges, money too!  which doesn't suck  He's done more in the last 5 months than the other did in 3 years, so things are much better.

I'm feeling valued;  I'm the leaderbot of our new Culture Club; I'm finding joy again.



Don't fuck with Einstein.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Let's Jam Together

Blackberry Basil Jam, because your mouth needs a dance party!

  • 2 Cups Fresh or Frozen Blackberries
  • 1/3 Cup Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice
  • 1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
  • 1 Cup Fresh Basil of choice, lightly packed (stems removed)
  • 1 1/2 Tablespoons Low or No Sugar Needed Pectin (I use Ball)
  • 1/4 Cup Sugar or Agave
Note 1: Makes approx 10oz of jammyness.
Note 2: Can triple the recipe in one cook session.
Note 3: If canning, prepare the jars according to manufactures instructions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  1. If using Fresh Blackberries, wash and pat dry; If using Frozen, no need to defrost.  Set aside.
  2. In a food processor, combine the Orange Juice, Lemon Juice, and Basil.  Blend until smooth.
  3. In a large saucepan over medium heat, use a rubber spatula to mash & break up the Blackberries.  Once they are mostly mush, turn heat to high.
  4. Add the citrus / basil mixture and bring to a boil.
  5. Slowly add the Pectin, stirring constantly, until it reaches a boil you can't stir down.
  6. Slowly add the Sugar and return to a rolling boil.  Stir constantly for 1 minute.
  7. Take off heat and taste with a clean spoon.  You can adjust the sugar level & basil by up to 1/4 Cup each, if you'd prefer a stronger influence of either ingredient.  If adding Basil, just make sure it's finely chopped.  Note once the jam sits, it will develop a slightly deeper flavor. 
  8. Pour into glass jar(s) and either prepare them according to your canning instructions or store in the refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~