The bits continually presented themselves, with a curtsy and a middle finger. I became so insane with excitement for where this could go; Enthusiastically jotted everything down as 'JUST WAIT WORLD!' The optimism never waned because the little voice inside always hinted I'd be starting soon. this month. next weekend. tonight. But the segue between vision and execution never materialized. Each time I steadied myself in front of the backlit stage, ready to put words to pixels, the gremlins threw tomatoes. They gained strength from knowing the second I start on the secret ACME project, that makes it real and that means it could fail. Or more truthfully, I could fail.
Eventually the momentum rescinded further and further into the nether-regions of an artistic nebula.
*****
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months and we've been making progress towards long overdue connections about uninteresting stuff. Last Monday we dove into subjects I hadn't even considered discussion worthy, yet when our time ended and the last tears wiped, I left the office with an intangible cheeryness. It was abstract, but an optimism was lurking about.
I usually come home and cook after my appointments because it's a mindless, enjoyable distraction while the emotions reset. And yet despite the bubbly cloud following me, I didn't feel like it that night. I sat in the kitchen, aimlessly trying to win the eye maze that exists between floor tiles. Travis was getting ready for his comedy show and we chatted from our respective rooms. I swung my feet in tiny, alternating circles, just like I did twenty-odd years ago while my mom cooked typical 1980s dinner. The same step stool which cradles my tush now, held it then.
Travis kissed me goodbye, took off, and the vibe in the house began to settle into its evening routine of low lights and stillness. But I was antsy and hoped a run would encourage the motivation I instinctually felt earlier. or exhaust me. Leroy gobbled his kibble & carrots; I gobbled the first spoonable item my hands could reach. Laced up my trainers and out the door to feel the rush of wind as the neighborhood blurred by. It was over an hour by the time I got to the park, winding down with a slower paced walk. My legs twitched and lungs ached and foot ponies throbbed for how hard they pushed. Some people walk to clear their head; I always seem to have a neuron dance party. I shifted the physical indicators aside in order to focus on sorting the shimmying, spastic thoughts.
Then it hit me.
I stopped.
Whether it was the session, the exercise, a happenstance or concoction of all three... I took a small step towards a major emotional goal. Right there on a dingy sidewalk under a flickering florescent street lamp, I reached into my negative pocket (queue Bionic Woman bionic sound) and tossed a handful of self doubt. Like it was a no big deal piece lint. This is huge people! Since that moment in third grade where I discovered what vulnerability was, the confidence bucket has generally tipped more on the negative, than positive. The harsh view of myself a constant reminder of all the things I'm not doing, instead of all the things I've accomplished. And I'm working on that, but it takes time. A long time. So to feel this piece of nasty weight suddenly eliminated so naturally, was an elation I never expected.
I was beaming! I left that old tired, worn out view on the path of trampling feet and dogs and never looked back.
With each step, a smile planted on my face and in my brain. With each step, the clouds seemed to finally part on secret ACME project and I was about to jump 2 feet high because that would be really a lot for me! I drafted the first few sentences in my head, repeating them so I wouldn't forget. smiles. I can do this. The first few words I choose will set the tone for the entire study and I owe it to myself and the thing, to do right by it.
I'm finally ready because fuck those gremlins.
Let's do this, yo.
Travis kissed me goodbye, took off, and the vibe in the house began to settle into its evening routine of low lights and stillness. But I was antsy and hoped a run would encourage the motivation I instinctually felt earlier. or exhaust me. Leroy gobbled his kibble & carrots; I gobbled the first spoonable item my hands could reach. Laced up my trainers and out the door to feel the rush of wind as the neighborhood blurred by. It was over an hour by the time I got to the park, winding down with a slower paced walk. My legs twitched and lungs ached and foot ponies throbbed for how hard they pushed. Some people walk to clear their head; I always seem to have a neuron dance party. I shifted the physical indicators aside in order to focus on sorting the shimmying, spastic thoughts.
Then it hit me.
I stopped.
Whether it was the session, the exercise, a happenstance or concoction of all three... I took a small step towards a major emotional goal. Right there on a dingy sidewalk under a flickering florescent street lamp, I reached into my negative pocket (queue Bionic Woman bionic sound) and tossed a handful of self doubt. Like it was a no big deal piece lint. This is huge people! Since that moment in third grade where I discovered what vulnerability was, the confidence bucket has generally tipped more on the negative, than positive. The harsh view of myself a constant reminder of all the things I'm not doing, instead of all the things I've accomplished. And I'm working on that, but it takes time. A long time. So to feel this piece of nasty weight suddenly eliminated so naturally, was an elation I never expected.
I was beaming! I left that old tired, worn out view on the path of trampling feet and dogs and never looked back.
With each step, a smile planted on my face and in my brain. With each step, the clouds seemed to finally part on secret ACME project and I was about to jump 2 feet high because that would be really a lot for me! I drafted the first few sentences in my head, repeating them so I wouldn't forget. smiles. I can do this. The first few words I choose will set the tone for the entire study and I owe it to myself and the thing, to do right by it.
I'm finally ready because fuck those gremlins.
Let's do this, yo.
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