Shutterdud

I am not a person who is comfortable being filmed.


I wish I could dismiss the low perception of myself when photographed, but my brain knows that's when you're judged the most.  That's probably why I prefer taking the photos instead of being in them.  At least I'll capture where I was, even if you can't see my awkward face acknowledging so.

It wasn't always that way, but I know the moment the chair legs were kicked out from under me.  I think it's remarkable I can pin point the exact cause of my self esteem crutch.  And maybe I'll never grow out of it.  But maybe I can learn to simply be more accepting of who I am when the shutter stops.

A friend asked if she could video Travis and I for her film class.  The idea is we're being interviewed about our life/podcast.  They will edit down the footage to about a minute.  Travis will then visit the class as the in person talk-show guest, where each student in her group will live interview him.  They will throw to the minute clip and discuss.  Simple, no?  High anxiousness for me, yes.

I of course said yes because she's our bud and Travis is seasoned so I can mentally pull confidence from him.  Or squeeze his hand.  Even with that, I'm still an anxious mess.  Does my hair compliment me in this light, how do my clothes make my body look, did I smile in the way that flatters my face or did I bone it?  Luckily I have all these thoughts running through my head on loop!  They only recede when it's over.  My ultimate goal is to simply be as charming and realxed on camera, as I am off.  Why should that be so hard?

It's only a class.  If I get nervous with only 30 pairs of peepers staring, what am I gonna do when I'm in front of the world*!?

* world in-frontance currently not planned, but seeking dates.