When Your Number Is Extended.

"Nothing happens until something moves."
- Albert Einstein

Reflection is a peach, ain't it?  If only those words had graced my plate all those months ago I could have saved a lot of heartache.  you'll see.  This is the conclusion to a series of four posts relating to what had been happening with my job & company.  This cessation on pixelated paper started the weekend leading into February 2, but I could never corral the words to finish.  The events ended up being too raw for any cohesion, let alone finding the strength to edit myself.  And although often present in thought, patiently its been waiting in drafts' silence.

Recently I grabbed a doughnut, lifted the lid and peeked inside.  For what it's worth, this is about 68% original words.

And I'm sorry it took so long to see the end, if anyone (I'm sure no one) had been following the story.

*************************

Monday, February 2.

My gut told me this would be the week; no more delays.  The air was thicker, the people combative - or maybe I was just conditionally defeated and every interaction felt like junk.  I didn't want to speak with anyone, let alone be there, but no where else would have me.  The Trojan horse was nearly upon us and I had zero defense.

I distracted myself with work, begging to keep afloat; tasks requiring anything above a key punch should be avoided.  I expelled tremendous amounts of energy willing all the feelings down, placing cupped hands over my eyes & fingers plugging my ears while invisible pink slips danced in the wings.  But it was no use; the day was shot.  All I'd been able to do was hitchhike around my head, holding a Map of the Imminent.  How could I have experienced so much already, with so much left in the distance?  I was thrashed, somber, and unhinged...  The clock sluggishly found 6 and I headed home, wondering whether tonight will finally reveal the impending tomorrow.

Travis could sense the agitation as I walked in the house.  He asked how this Monday had been any different than all the other times it was supposed to have happened.  I remained motionless, unintentionally ignoring him while my head grasped for sense.  It just was and I attempted to articulate more: was it intuition, was it a desire to rip off the bandaid?  I hacked away at the emotional onion, but it was void of substance.  Even tears.  I just needed to know he was there when all others had long split.

I planned to go with him to his late night comedy show, because fuck it all if I'm tired.  Before leaving though, I called my best friend Anne.  I had to ramble to another set of ears in an attempt to silence mine.  And after what I'm sure were long-winded sentences, the lightbulbs stopped their electric flicker.  ...pretty sure I sight-gag dropped the telephone.  The months of mental anguish I forced myself through hadn't prepared me for shit because it wasn't working towards anything definitive.  Just a bunch of vague birds squawking, their flightpath dancing to the ACME carnival band.  And already chosen was the first bird to poop.  So dude, it was all for naught.  How could I have not seen that.  Or maybe I did but I just didn't want to accept it.

The conversation said goodbye and for the first time in what seemed like over a year, I actually shelved those blasted thoughts.  It was so liberating to close the door for a night, while I enjoyed the company of a most handsome husband.  We went out and had a swell evening, lots of laughs and some beers.



Tuesday, February 3.

NOTE: I had a lot typed here initially.  A lot.  Details accounting most of the day because maybe as a reader you've never experienced a giant layoff.  In a nutshell - it's hard... really, truly, miserably hard.  In seconds you find out some really amazing colleagues were just canned and even less time to question why you were spared.  And in my case, again for the umpteenth time.  But as I switched this, moved that, redacted here - it was either nothing new or nothing interesting.

*****


9:00am and the company wide email arrived to innocent inbox's & apprehensive eyeballs.
fuck.
9:00am, 37 seconds and on to the afternoon was sad.  So very, very sad.


I spent those spiritless hours being there for anyone who wanted to talk.  Those choice people would entrust me to hold their crying tears, or happy tears, their secrets...  I'd hold them for how ever long was needed.  It was my small way of making a contribution to such an event.

If by 5pm our bodies still remained on site, we were employed.

~~~~~

Travis and I took a walk that evening and I talked more of what happened.  About my friends who suddenly faced joblessness in two months and how it made me feel.  Not selfishly, but therapeutically.  Many of those people hoped they would receive papers and for those, I say hellz yeah.  But some weren't as optimistic and that fully sucked.  To leave on your own accord is palatable, to be asked to leave is not something easily digested.  And for the colleague who'd screamed the loudest for change {clears throat} namely me, I was told the only thing to look forward to was my boss having a new face.



So It Goes.
I spent way too much precious time working the various angles of my future, analyzing what a layoff would or would not have meant.  Justified the pros and cons, rationaled daily where my career was, where I desired it and what did I even want anymore.  If I'd been working a theoretical math problem, there'd be no visible blackboard.  I drove myself batty inside a deprivation mind pod of what-ifs.  And you know what?  It never made a fucking difference in the end.  The creation of a new division and retaining 'the best' people wasn't even a blip of consideration, so thanks brain for prolonging the distress.  'preciate it.

I met Tough Tuesday with my hard fought decision that being laid off was the answer because the situation had become so bad, for so long.  I justified it as being the push over the cliff needed to work towards what I'd been threatening for a while: starting something artistic & entrepreneurial.  I have ideas!  But at a deeper level, a layoff became a fantasy.  A short answer to a long term stalemate.  This crutch I was clinging to inadvertently became the excuse for why I never started previously.  It came down to the justification that without a 9-5 job, I'd finally have the means and time to pursue this thing.  whatever this was.  And although not totally inaccurate, probably wasn't the best approach.  But it was something theoretically tangible so I went with it.

Being vulnerable is tough.  Being vulnerable financially and businessey is super tough.  I sought change in my life, but did I need to lose my job in order to make that happen? 

*****

Shortly after the new division found its footing, movement towards opportunity was suddenly a very real concept.  My new faced boss listened, cared about what I wanted and pushed to know what I needed.  Not just additional responsibility and challenges, money too!  which doesn't suck  He's done more in the last 5 months than the other did in 3 years, so things are much better.

I'm feeling valued;  I'm the leaderbot of our new Culture Club; I'm finding joy again.



Don't fuck with Einstein.