~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last October I wrote about the impending layoffs at my company. The continued rounds they go through to restructure, optimize, strategically position themselves within the industry over the next 5 years are just buzzwords to spit. It makes them feel better, or the stockholders, or whoever pretends to care. But most of the folks who keep the engine greased are unmotivated, unhappy, and looking for a place that appreciates their talent and stimulates their soul. Or is it just me?
When I shared the original entry, details were very speculative. Certainly for me since I'm the lowest lady blazer bird on the block. No executive was sharing specifics because why cause panic; but it soon became clear what was already assumed. Major change was happening but no one knew where the hammer would fall. In anticipation of hour zero, I even drafted my layoff tweet. that's kinda fucked huh.
Several tense days passed before my boss called me in for an abrupt conversation. Up until then, dialogue had ceased, which wasn't helping mitigate concerns. I can't even offer details if I wanted, other than her saying we're not affected right now. ...ok...? It took another 15 minutes of questioning to realize we had been spared the poisonous pink slip till sometime in the new year. I.e. right about now.
I'm glad I saved that tweet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting here today, once again on our bed, I watch Leroy play with a pinecone he snuck in. It's colder now and the door isn't open nearly as often, but I can still hear the street begin to stir. A few early risers starting their Sunday journey, while I sink with blankets into mine. Travis is asleep and the cone rattles on the floor; I smile to myself. I don't get why he loves to rip sticks apart, but it's one of his quirks that makes me love the face even more.
During the October discovery, I visioned our outdoor space slipping away. It was not the inability to fund the work that was disheartening, but losing the means to spend more quality time with the good people in my life. All the efforts to see it through, washed away. If that makes sense - I know it's a fine line. Now, that reverie has morphed into a present realization the imminent is fast approaching. Not sure exactly when the decision will assemble, but I strongly speculate in the next few weeks. what a mess.
- Hearing rumors the company will cut people, then be told oh totally, but not you, yet. just hang in there kid for another 3 months while we figure shit out. It's cool, though. Keep working hard... you're swell until we say otherwise.
- Oh sorry - you're position has been eliminated. Or sorry - you'll have less people. Or - sorry, you'll have more work and less people. Or sorry - you'll have more work, less people, a new boss and no extra money.
- Or WOW! With all this reorganization, we'll be promoting you with a new title, a bit more money, so here - handle all the broken people pieces and get back to work.
thanks yo.
I've had to mull this information in my brain pot for nearly four months. Four. Months - think about that. Having to ponder, question, deduce, rationalize and quantify all the things your mind throws at you in order to justify what's happening. week after week. day after day. Repeatedly trying to understand what you're feeling. And what you should prepare for. And having to explain it to people. And wondering whether you'll be ok after all is said and done. Craving the positivity in something that is unavoidably filled with sadness. This time affords some acceptance, but not fully.
The collective is most upset by the seemingly dismissive administration who has kept us waiting. I'm not daft in thinking these decisions aren't unpleasant, nor should they be taken lightly. However, waiting in the wings are hundreds of employees not knowing whether they will stay above the surface or go down with the ship. Scrimp or splurge, staycation or vacation. This time; not the last time.
The productivity vibe of the office has been somewhere between a Christmas break, where you don't want to do anything, and holiday, where you're scrambling to finish shit. Why jump into something as it may not matter in a few days. It's a goofy yo-yo effect that keeps me half present, half apathetically numb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The roads ahead have led me to know it's change I seek, in whatever form. Comforting how much solace that actually provides. I'm no fool when it comes to predicting the outcome, so here's my top 3 in the ranking I hope: (1) The company regenerates into a better model and I am given the opportunity to excel once again (2) I've been let go, trading the 9-5 mindset for a pursuance in my own thing (and ok, maybe not so bad having an extended 'vacation' (3) acknowledge this entire foil may not revamp the stagnant career I currently feel, so hello splitsville.
I am ok. I will be ok. No joke it'll be hard - I'll cry, probably curse, seek refuge in others for a little bit. But in an odd way freeing. That's what keeps me going. It has to...
No comments:
Post a Comment