I'm currently sitting on our bed hearing the lull of Sunday traffic. Puppy at the foot, watching the world outside, hoping the tree gently rustles and he can bark at a squirrel. I'm drinking hot green tea that our favorite person Mod, who co-owns one of our favorite restaurants, sources from a secret underground gremlin. The sliding door is cracked and the shutters pulled open, so I can look out into our sunny backyard. The vision I see, however, is what it will become, not how it sits today. The new and improved Clark outdoor space!! It will be inviting and private and mentally beautiful to be contained in. We've been working hard for this vision to become a reality by next summer. To enjoy this plot of land with my husband, my puppy, and our friends. But those plans may be put on hold soon.
So I sit here and write, where I'm most comfortable and secluded. For now.
I don't ever talk publicly about the company I work for. And if you know, don't mention it. In part, because who cares. Also, I haven't been all that happy working here so no satisfaction for you. You won't get any boring tales of bullshit because I promise, it's not that interesting. But I do have a tops work ethic so I continue to go above and beyond what's expected of me. It kinda messes with me being so committed to something you don't enjoy. No joke though, it does become harder and harder when the motivation was laid to rest alongside what little remaining enjoyment I got out of it. But I can't change who I am and that's what life gives you sometimes. So I put up with it, but believe me, I peek over the fence - daydreaming of what more I can give myself and the world.
Around March of this year I had an inkling I would be laid off by
December. There was no basis for it, I just did. I tossed it aside and
figured it stemmed from my desire for career growth. Strangely, I
always felt untouchable because essentially there is no one else who does what I do. And if someone were to take over, they certainly would not to the level of precision I dedicate. People come to me and my
team because we're trustworthy and get shit done. There is no question about our strength and my leadership. So obviously, that means
job security {rolls eyes now.} Naive, but onward.
Here we are now, several months later, where that trashed idea of mine has been yanked from the recycle bin. In a nutshell, said company has been planning layoffs for a while. Maybe the populous knows, maybe not. But unfortunately it's nothing new, which means we're all sadly used to it. Any element of family that once existed, is gone. The common personal slogan round the water cooler is "It's not a matter
of if, but when." How encouraging is that to have invisible hellion's all screaming their chant when you walk among the halls. I've advanced through previous rounds, never knowing how close I did or didn't come. But I had to sit, watching my immediate boss be canned for reason X, Y, or Z. It's fucking hard to keep starting over with someone new, when every person who ever directly stood up to see you grow is gone. HR will say it's never personal, but it sure as fuck feels like it. I joked with colleague once it must have been me. Like I was a curse, a catalyst to the end of those executives' careers. That notion sits with me and is a burden I won't shed for sometime.
The creative, stifled side of me would actually be relieved. I'm done with the politics, wrinkle-inducing stress, and stupid decisions that make any job unhealthy. I used to believe all places were like this, so I should suck it up. Nope. I was just too blind to see how bad things were. That's changed now - it doesn't have to be the hand you're stuck with. Taking time to start my own thing has been knocking at my impulses for a few years. The concept drives me wild! How goddamn exciting and scary, but exciting! Work has never been an excuse for why I haven't tried before, but an undisclosed perk was self-doubt for my own ventures. I'm burning that, okay, because that's lame. I will never discount the tremendous amount of knowledge I've gained here. I give props to myself for being a good student, because I am the most confident I've ever been in knowing I can start a business. Be an entrepreneur, at what ever scale. Simply being free, I could dedicate the brute force effort needed to see it through. And it feels good knowing both the success and failure would fall on me. I don't want to spin my wheels anymore for someone else's Billion dollar machine. Fuck that. My eyes are open now and it's easier to distance myself from the security.
Gah. the security. The grown-uppy side of me is getting anxious and has indexed everything I'd lose. The stability (err um instability), set salary, the retirement (not what I've contributed but future growth,) the health benefits and the silly
perks that come with any job. I'd also miss a few swell people. If push comes to shove and I'm called in, I know they'll be plenty of tears and curse words. It's always harder when you're asked to leave rather than on your own terms. But with Travis back to work, some of these concerns are lessened. That's a tick mark in the happy column. And I will never dismiss how the job afforded us the opportunity to
purchase a home and enjoy some niceties from time to time. A few trips, a few nice dinners, but at what cost? Me. I'm the cost. I've always paid a significant price to do those things. And I was ok with doing that for a certain period of time, I'm just in a different head space now.
And maybe my own thing isn't the answer. Maybe the answer is another version of my current job, in a more healthy environment. Or maybe the answer is something new altogether. Either way, that will come in due time as I honestly don't know which way the pendulum will swing. Creative and Security are both equal partners right now. So I sit and wait.
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