Whether it's pre-wiring or learned manners, I am truly a thoughtful, compassionate, loyal and genuine person. I don't think telling you is conceded but it does feel a little weird. I also have a feisty bite sometimes behind the words I choose and will gladly curse when the situation calls. Among these journal posts, I know you'll see all sides of me. But seriously, I'm a fuckin' peach.
It wasn't until my early 20s that a boss told me the phrase "guys and girls can't be friends." And it would take several years and several incidents before I believed it. More on that in a second. Whether it's wiring or my fabulous inability to do accents, people feel comfortable around me. But I have time and time again been the victim of being told "I'm too nice," especially to guys. And not in that 'I'm gonna be cutesy to get attention because I'm lacking in emotional support from the men in my life." Nope, because that type of attention makes me apprehensive. I do have a warming smile, can easily start a conversation and am curious by nature. My guy "friends" used to far outnumber my girlfriends, since I found most girls to be needy, grabby, touchy, complainty, emotional and silly. Guys hi-fived (in the most coolest way) instead of hugging hello/good-bye, they watched wrestling and drank whiskey with me. I just didn't get girls because I didn't understand and frankly didn't want to.
But with greater life experience now unlocked, I imagine most birds fall victim to the nice syndrome. Being kind to a gent for him to return flirty and expectant. There are other times sure, but most notably it happened to me in high school, at a previous job (HR had to get involved in that one) and at one Star Trek convention. And here is one such experience.
I had been making the trek (cricket. cricket.) to Las Vegas every year for the grand Star Trek mega-convention stationed at the LV Hilton. Although by that time I wasn't going to hear the invited guests speak, it was mostly to hang out with the friends I'd made over the years. It's August 2010 and a couple years after the Experience shut its doors. It was Saturday night and I was lookin' good, feeling good' and I hadn't paid for a drink all weekend! I strolled down to the grey and marginally futuristic bar I casually named the Sea Quest Bar many years prior. Everyone was laughing, drinks were flowing, people conversating, hugging and giving off that sweet con vibe that only happens during those magical 3-5 calendar days, a few times per year. I never had to make plans to meet because there would always be someone I knew hanging out. Occasionally, even some convention guests would stop by, which was always cool, but it was never my focus. Talking with everyone at a convention is still one of the favorite parts.
As the night went on, I'm standing near the bar and a friendly guy came up and started talking to me. He seemed familiar but I couldn't place it at first. I figured it was someone I'd seen around the con until he said his name. And what happens in this continued story was a first for me.
Side note - I've debated whether to reveal who it is and I'm choosing not to. It's not to rudely keep the mystery or to brag (name dropping is a gross sickness I do not suffer from) but I think this fella was trying to figure some serious life shit out at the time, and I happened to fall in the cross-hairs. At least that's what I want to believe because it would help preserve that humanoids are people who make mistakes. But for the vaguest of context, it's someone the Trek community would know but isn't an actor on any series.
Back to the conversation... Sometimes chatting with a fella who may be getting the wrong idea will come to a logical conclusion and I won't have to figure out the best way to let them down... Other times, it won't. And this is when my brain weighs the options of which is more polite - casually drop in my dudes name, wait till the end if he asks me out, or say nothing at all. During this con, I had secretly been married to Travis for three months, but no one knew, because of reasons. So after a few hours of chatting with this guy, I really started to get nervous. I've always felt it's such an awkward statement to announce. "Hi, it's nice to meet you." "Hi, it's great to meet you too," "So, in case you want to end the conversation now, I'm involved with someone else. You're free to go if that's all you were looking for." It's really judgmental to assume everyone is interested in you, but then it's also crappy to hit it off with someone and then have a blow.
So this one fateful night I went for the second option - wait for him to ask me out. This was now several hours in and a pretty good conversation overall. It flowed - we laughed, found common interests and hobbies, but also became very serious and emotional at times (for him, which should have tipped me off) and in the end that dreaded question was asked. "So do you want to get out of here?" or some such. shit.
I gave my most genuine sad face (because I truly always feel bad,) finish him rung in my head, and the fatality blow came by muttering fiance and several apologies. From what I remember, he was bummed but appeared like he'd go on breathing. He departed quickly but still wanted to be facebook friends so I figured shoot, maybe it wasn't so bad. I said goodbyes to who ever still remained. It was some obscene A.M. time and I needed water, food and a mental rest. I think I went to the diner, went outside to see the sunrise and then headed to bed.
Here's the photo I took from the parking structure:
About a month later in Los Angeles, we met up for a single lunch meal. He knew of Travis, even asked about him, so to me there was nothing deceiving. But the tone of the conversation was different than at the con - which can happen when you get away from that atmosphere. But this lunch day he was Mr. Too Cool for School Guy, knowing this person/that person, sputtering obnoxious ideas and oh hey, do you and your man wanna swing with me...? nah, that's cool. What did I get myself into... The feeling I wouldn't talk to him outside a social context was high and from what transpired after, he felt the same.
Nothing else to report until that years' Black Friday. I had done a little shopping that morning and met up with Travis for breakfast at one of our favorite, small local eateries. I was getting me some eggy enchiladas with extra tasty red sauce, having a super time when I uncharacteristically checked my facebook thingy. I hardly ever do that when I'm with another human, but I don't know, I just did. The app notified me of an unread message that after the words started registering, my face adopted a perplexed look. Travis didn't say anything but I could feel it. I'm sorta laughing, sorta confused, and in general I get the most bizarro, sad, odd message from this guy - OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!
I can't do it justice by summarizing, so here is the entire facebook message:
I just shut down the phone and laughed, feeling like I always do after a guy gets the wrong impression. Gee, sorry you were 'REALLY looking for it' and I totally hosed you. pffft, whatever, he's messed up right now, not making any sense, and it's just sad. I felt nothing. But after Travis read the message he was really upset. "No one is gonna talk to my wife that way, lots of expletives / shakes fist." Being three month newlyweds, we were using wife and husband often, and it was really sweet & chivalrous for him to want to defend my honor. But I needed to calm him down because the enchiladas I waited all morning for weren't gonna eat themselves. I told him look, it was Thanksgiving yesterday, maybe he got super drunk and high in dealing with his family, and sent this ridiculous message. But it's not worth it. I'm not upset, I'm not going to talk to him again, look I blocked him on facebook, and this type of thing happens so don't waste the energy. He was worked up plenty for months but did subside when there were no more incidents and the energy was focused elsewhere.
I saw him at next years' con, albeit from afar. The few friends who had been privy to what went down really wanted him to apologize, but when I looked at him he appeared mentally defeated and broken. I felt really sorry for him and if I did engage, wasn't sure how it'd go. Several instances of phone tag later relayed the message he wanted to talk. I agreed... I mean what was he gonna do. He very quietly, but profusely and sincerely apologized. WOAH - I wasn't expecting that! He said he was going through a serious mental breakdown and he couldn't believe he had written those awful things to me. He wanted me to know how sorry he was, that he had enjoyed our conversation and that he understood if we never spoke again - but he didn't want that message of how things were left. I was still absorbing it all but I told him how I appreciated his gesture and I understood, and I'm sure I'd see him around (which has yet to happen again.) Whether it was pure sincerity or another emotional transference, it was nice to hear and I hope he became a happier and healthier person. This is where my mind goes because I'm nice, I want to see the best in people, even if they have proven me wrong.
Learning from life is important so I'm more aware of how a misinterpreted exchange gets you bummer facebook messages. But I'm also more aware that I am a fuckin' peach, worthy of having my honor defended.
word.
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