A Foundational Discovey, Part 3: Like Oil and Water and No

I started this post weeks ago, but as per usual, sat on it because I doubted the validity of what I had to say.  But things are happening! and I should be less silly.  It consolidated three very different drafts over three very different days, into one blocketed entry.  The first sentence you'd read set the tone for understanding each emotional moment's when and why.  Block A: excitement our appraisal was rad.  Block B: gloomy the initial landscape bid was more than anticipated.  Block C: Going through each up and down, climbing to the other side with a prosperous outlook once again.  I captured those word-for-word entries that were jumbled, half-thoughts really, and consolidated them.  It took everything to not tweak a word or correct a spelling when I re-read, knowing they'd be innocently judged.  I understood the importance of showing the evolution though, if nothing more than for me.
 
And then every word disappeared in less time than it took to write disappear.  Gone were the phrases I struggled with for weeks to make sense, the neat way that sentiment came together, the point of view I wanted to convey.  Gone were the snapshots of thoughts I would never get back.  gone, gone, gone because of some stupid, random series of split second coincidences.

My guts sank inside to a depth I hadn't felt in a long time; I'd been emotionally robbed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I write this, some time has past since it was lost.  Trying my best to replace what I liked and build the rest upon the gnarled, fighting pixels that remained.

March 31: The entry would offer how I finally uncovered what type of home we actually had, which is a Minimal Traditional.  It's plain, solid sticks were built for the returning WWII vets and their families.  Yup, Craftsmen and Case Study are magnificently rad, but this is something we can truly mold to us.  Weaving our chapter into the continuing story by reflecting upon the beauty of her youth, while creating a lovely & swell update for now.

The appraisal came back on the house and it was fantastic.  Enough for us to refinance our loan and eliminate the ridiculous mortgage insurance, while still having cashola for improvements.  Not as much as I hoped, but nothing to scoff at either.  We can do the things we need, some we want, and that's tops.

The lunch on March 31 felt different, sun beamed particularly optimistic.  I leaned way back in a patio chair, which rests upon those nasty, white rocks, and smiled.  I was so proud for how far we'd come.  My eyes fixated and unfocused at the dirt & grass shards before me; staring downward into this future, as if it were some sort of magic eye poster.  The means to an end was now a thing.

And then everything separated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 1:  A simple miscommunication latched onto 3 years worth of financially ignorant daydreaming.  I folded up my happy pants and bought a ticket to sad town.

I mostly blame the home shows though for contributing to quite the unrealistic perception machine.  How they pretend it's so easy and edit out the reality how much is provided gratis.  Some of that is still on me and will not happen again, but I won't dismiss their part either.  For all the manual & mental efforts to see this seed develop, it was wilting before I even had the chance to kill it.

Travis and I went on a walk to discuss those last 24 hours.  I was kinda upset at myself for getting caught up in the excitement of having a completely redone front & backyard.  Pushing reasonableness aside and expecting the keys to the Chase Manhattan bank.  My vision narrowed and I lost sight to the fact many of our ideas were still totally going to happen.  Yet because the entire checklist was no longer an option, my grey friend suggested I must have somehow failed...  silly.

Trav sympathized, but couldn't fully understand why I was significantly bummed.  Sure, we both want the yard to be inviting, and he likes gardening too, but it's really my thing.  So going back to his practical stance, he's simply not as emotionally invested as I was.  So I shared examples more relevant to his deep interests and he got it.  Close your eyes and picture a hobby you totally dig.  Now think about that hobby being supported in a way that would allow you to do it whenever, only steps from your door.  Where you could develop, play and share it with friends - wouldn't you say yes?

In the end, turns out I needed a reset - otherwise nothing would ever have been good enough.  And that's not what any of this is about, so I'm glad it happened now, rather than later.  While it was tough, it was an essential conversation to have and we both felt better.

And then everything united.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April-May ish, something or whatever:

I don't want this to come across as selfish or whiney, so if those thoughts have risen, I kindly ask to please shut your pie hole.  No question, we're doing this for us: privacy, fencing for puppy, envious curb appeal - duh.  But we're also cheerleaders for sustaining friendships and the environment; a place to listen to birds, essential low water needs, organic garden beds, helping the bee populous, and contributing sustainably to our teensy society through home grown food & laughter.  Why shouldn't we do something about that, in an aesthetically pleasing way?

So we are!  And you get to see the madness unfold...

A Foundational Discovery, Part 2: The Results Are In

Read: A Foundational Discovery, Part 1 first.  If you want... whatever. no pressure.

I have finally and overwhelmingly embraced the idea of hiring a complimenting landscape architect to help execute our ideas, and a few of their own, into a beautiful space.  I was so resistant previously, because as I said in Part 1- I was feeling like some sort of failure for not being able to do it myself.  Considering how that original entry was posted seven months ago*, I can't even fathom that versioned mindset now.  I realized it had gotten to a point where my time too valuable, my mind too close to the project, and there was just no getting ahead.  so help!

Between then and now, we've gone through a lot, both with our ideas and life.  But as I posted the other day, our accountant recommended we explore getting a refinance.  If everything were to go as planned, it would allow us to drop the private mortgage insurance (saving hundreds of flowers) and take out a home equity line of credit.  STOKED!!  That means (drum roll) WE CAN THEN HIRE MY TEMPORARY BFF's, THE LANDSCAPE ARCHITECTS! WOOOOOOOOOO!!  capitals...

We recently met with a fantastic landscaping company, who only works in organic materials & electric machines.  That's right baby, elec-tri-citee.  I found them through the calling of several other companies who no longer were doing landscaping, although their sites were still up.  Thank goodness because they had never come up during all my countless searches (people please figure out your online buisnessey presence.)  We've had a few walk throughs, gathering this idea and that - it was so stupidly exciting.  They also asked we upload photos we like - describing why - through the home site Houzz, using a privately shared look book.  It allows them to see our vision come together with theirs, in a much more collaborative way.  Kick ass technology!  And when the discussion point turned to our desire for lots of dedicated garden bed space, it made my legs went weak.  I would finally have all the room needed to grow what we want, in order to be more sustainable.  Are you kidding?  That AND having a beautiful space to call our own?  wipes hands and done.  If you're not into gardening, think of whatever your favorite activity is, and having the ability for someone to come in and let you do it right in the comforts of your own home.  Everyday, whenever you want.  Yes.  Please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, not 15 minutes ago this morning, I saw our loan managers name come through on email, the subject said "Appraisal."  I held my breath.  Did they need more information, did it came back awful and I'm going to cry, or had all the hard work the other day actually paid off.  I clicked read, invisibly holding my hands with flared fingers over my eyes - wanting but not wanting to see what it said.  It was short, sweet and to the point.  We got a GREAT FUCKING APPRAISAL and will have money for the home equity loan!

PLAY MUSIC!
QUEUE FLASHPOTS!!
DROP TICKER TAPES!!!
CALL UP THE GUYS AND SAY DO IT!!!!

I am so over the moon happy, I cannot believe it.  The rise and fall of emotions from opening the email, to seeing the final amount, to having the loan numbers one by one click into place within my brain - it's a triumphant feeling I can't accurately express at 7:58am.  It's too soonly real and I don't want to give in an injustice by spinning words.

Just know this bird is happy.


* oh god, 7 months ago!  It wasn't my intent to wait so long, but in hindsight, glad I did.  That entry would have been very wordy & very different.

A Foundational Discovery, Part 1: The Backstory

Travis and I purchased our first place 2 years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going out each weekend with our realtor, we saw almost 40 houses before two great places jumped.  Benefit of a buyers market.  The first had charm with a beautiful yard in our desired neighborhood, but it was barely steps bigger than our apartment and over budget.  The second was spacious with a large kitchen, on a quiet street in our second choice neighborhood, but only had two bedrooms and the back yard was junk.

We originally chose the first house because of #1 A.OK. location, but when that couples realtor insulted us by saying "their offer doesn't stand a chance," we said well fuck you and your small... square feet*.  The second home accepted our offer right away, even with an under-asking price and all closing costs paid.  That's right bitches!  I can negotiate!!!   * That couple got theirs: that same realtor called 30 days later, wondering if we were still interested because they were dropping the price because no offers had come in.  HA!

house 1

house 2

We knew cosmetic elements were needed inside - paint, curtains, art, the Clarks' touch, etc.  The floors are in great shape, walls solid and everything is well constructed.  It's just the kitchen cabinets and bathroom counters wouldn't be the finishes we'd choose today.  But again, nothing was wrong and those changes will come later.  My focus was the yard.

During this time, my mother in law offered to help us plant, tidy and reinvigorate the outside living space that had been dutifully neglected.  She had many years of experience and at one point, studied to be a geologist!  I credit her with giving me two things I totally dig: foliage and Travis.  awww... gross.  I fell for both though, hard.  After her tips & tricks, I set out on my own.  You'd find me in the front / back every weekend, trying to keep up with the green Jones'.  Today, I can truthfully say, I've been working in that yard for more time than I care to think about.  And I'm done.

The last 12 months, I've fought a 100-foot rage tree which housed 20 pound seed pods, spawned two giant rage logs, got poked numerous times by one nasty, bitter old mediterranean palm, chopped 4 misguided & diseased queen palms, unearthed AND moved thousands of pounds of white sparkle rocks (with thousands more to go,) destroyed weed city in the back lawn, had the front lawn die, manually trimmed all 9 of our old timey awesome Camellias plants, busted up oodles of strange bricks, removed the spikiest succulent cactus' one could imagine, found random painted blue objects buried in the dirt, had all 5 rose bushes kink out because of something, plus about 100 other things.  And after all this, it still feels like I've done nothing.  Like I look at the yard and think WTF Brandi, it still looks like junk.  That stinks.

Then there's the detached garage.  It's had numerous bouts of termites, mold within the walls, the back wall is half missing, and we continually snip hundreds of vines growing up from our neighbors ground, each who have fould their way into the rafters.  mother fu...

But there are positives my friend!  I LEARNED so much.  I'm talking ginormous amounts of information.  About time management, the care of plants, growing habits, organic vitamins, herbs, bulbs, sun influencials, mulch, scale, layout and thinking I may go to school for landscape design one day.  That's a pretty rad, unexpected outcome!  Do I wish I could have gained this knowledge not having been through all the above - YES - but a couple years of pain is the springboard to a lifetime of knowledge!  Plus, when I can sit back and peek at the things thriving, I am way proud.

limes

zucchini and mega hot peppers

I have become so invested, almost obsessive, in this vision to better our home.  I think about it all the time; I want to talk ideas all the time.  I want to be the envy of the neighborhood instead of the gentle eye sore.  But it's not a fleeting hobby, it's about enhancing the time Travis, Leroy and I can spend together that pushes me.  Spending time outdoors, which Leroy loves, or indoors in a comfortable space - I don't want to feel beholden to the dirt by spending hours each weekend, working towards an unknown game plan.  I am slowly learning to let go of feeling I must do everything myself or be some sort of failure.

I don't want to resent it; I want to enjoy it.  So I had an idea...