I started this post weeks ago, but as per usual, sat on it because I doubted the validity of what I had to say. But things are happening! and I should be less silly. It consolidated three very different drafts over three very different days, into one blocketed entry. The first sentence you'd read set the tone for understanding each emotional moment's when and why. Block A: excitement our appraisal was rad. Block B: gloomy the initial landscape bid was more than anticipated. Block C: Going through each up and down, climbing to the other side with a prosperous outlook once again. I captured those word-for-word entries that were jumbled, half-thoughts really, and consolidated them. It took everything to not tweak a word or correct a spelling when I re-read, knowing they'd be innocently judged. I understood the importance of showing the evolution though, if nothing more than for me.
And then every word disappeared in less time than it took to write disappear. Gone were the phrases I struggled with for weeks to make sense, the neat way that sentiment came together, the point of view I wanted to convey. Gone were the snapshots of thoughts I would never get back. gone, gone, gone because of some stupid, random series of split second coincidences.
My guts sank inside to a depth I hadn't felt in a long time; I'd been emotionally robbed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I write this, some time has past since it was lost. Trying my best to replace what I liked and build the rest upon the gnarled, fighting pixels that remained.
March 31: The entry would offer how I finally uncovered what type of home we actually had, which is a Minimal Traditional. It's plain, solid sticks were built for the returning WWII vets and their families. Yup, Craftsmen and Case Study are magnificently rad, but this is something we can truly mold to us. Weaving our chapter into the continuing story by reflecting upon the beauty of her youth, while creating a lovely & swell update for now.
The appraisal came back on the house and it was fantastic. Enough for us to refinance our loan and eliminate the ridiculous mortgage insurance, while still having cashola for improvements. Not as much as I hoped, but nothing to scoff at either. We can do the things we need, some we want, and that's tops.
The lunch on March 31 felt different, sun beamed particularly optimistic. I leaned way back in a patio chair, which rests upon those nasty, white rocks, and smiled. I was so proud for how far we'd come. My eyes fixated and unfocused at the dirt & grass shards before me; staring downward into this future, as if it were some sort of magic eye poster. The means to an end was now a thing.
And then everything separated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 1: A simple miscommunication latched onto 3 years worth of financially ignorant daydreaming. I folded up my happy pants and bought a ticket to sad town.
I mostly blame the home shows though for contributing to quite the unrealistic perception machine. How they pretend it's so easy and edit out the reality how much is provided gratis. Some of that is still on me and will not happen again, but I won't dismiss their part either. For all the manual & mental efforts to see this seed develop, it was wilting before I even had the chance to kill it.
Travis and I went on a walk to discuss those last 24 hours. I was kinda upset at myself for getting caught up in the excitement of having a completely redone front & backyard. Pushing reasonableness aside and expecting the keys to the Chase Manhattan bank. My vision narrowed and I lost sight to the fact many of our ideas were still totally going to happen. Yet because the entire checklist was no longer an option, my grey friend suggested I must have somehow failed... silly.
Trav sympathized, but couldn't fully understand why I was
significantly bummed. Sure, we both want the yard to be inviting, and he likes gardening too, but it's really my thing. So going back to his practical stance, he's simply not as emotionally invested as I was. So I shared examples more relevant to his deep interests and he got it. Close your eyes and picture a hobby you totally dig. Now think about that hobby being supported in a way that would allow you to do it whenever, only steps from your door. Where you could develop, play and share it with friends - wouldn't you say yes?
In the end, turns out I needed a reset - otherwise nothing would ever have been good enough. And that's not what any of this is about, so I'm glad it happened now, rather than later. While it was tough, it was an essential conversation to have and we both felt better.
And then everything united.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April-May ish, something or whatever:
I don't want this to come across as selfish or whiney, so if those thoughts have risen, I kindly ask to please shut your pie hole. No question, we're doing this for us: privacy, fencing for puppy, envious curb appeal - duh. But we're also cheerleaders for sustaining friendships and the environment; a place to listen to birds, essential low water needs, organic garden beds, helping the bee populous, and contributing sustainably to our teensy society through home grown food & laughter. Why shouldn't we do something about that, in an aesthetically pleasing way?
So we are! And you get to see the madness unfold...
No comments:
Post a Comment