~~~~~
I couldn't sleep christmas morning, opposite of the reason millions of kiddos can't keep their antsy pants in bed until a decent hour. ugggghhh, wasn't waiting for "Christmas to start" the worst? I awoke to the idea of a new boardgame, then the upcoming hosting of our first holiday gathering at the house (or ever.) It was still early enough to work in an exercise before the fun & anticipation of preparing a big time vegan feastly began. Since my hair was too cute to go running, I went for a long walk. I pondered along to christmas notes while the world woke up. I love being among the quiet in the early hours and secretly hoped I could peek in on others' holiday mornings because I'm a curious human observer. nothin doin' though.
My stroll took me down a street normally skipped and I ended up meeting a flock of crows, who shuffled alongside me as they pecked a christmas street banquet. I thought about the previous eve festivities we spent with two people who are the epitome of incredible. I missed Travis after I could hear his translucent image hovering off to the side, saying we just came across a murder scene {beat/deadpan} because it's a murder of crows. And we'd laugh.
{there were like two dozen more that had just left frame}
I said merry christmas to the few squirrels who dared play chicken with my feet, making me miss Leroy. I thought about the fact I would actually be spending the entire day with those two boys who mean the most to me. I realized it's the first christmas in 13 years I wouldn't have to leave Travis (last 3 for Leroy) out of obligation to my parents.
And then I realized I no longer missed the christmas I once knew.
~~~~~
For many years I was caught up in chasing the high out of fear I'd lose even the littlest bits of joy, I couldn't break the habit. If I didn't watch that movie or start a craft only in the month it was appropriate, or do the things I would always do - the holidays wouldn't be the same. rubbish. It hasn't been the same for I can't remember how long, so what was I holding on to? Finally expressing my holiday intent to the folks back in October (ie not seeing them) shifted nearly everything this go-round. And while I didn't have a specific outcome when doing so, I realized that's exactly what I needed. A change.
I was early in putting up lights & decorations, then gave many items previously held onto for artificial nostalgia to charity. I exchanged hours of watching Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story (which I love!) for It's a Charlie Brown Christmas (which I usually forget.) I started little creative projects but wasn't hard on myself for not doing the entire planned list. We made a proper gingerbread house, complete with landscaping & scarfed snowman. I skipped cards & presents, but phoned, messaged & saw dear friends to sing them specific squishy notes of cheer. And I helped a group from work gather essential clothing & food for two local families. There was other junk, but most importantly I was absorbing the moments around me.
I reflected all this as Travis & I went driving the last few evenings to see lights. As I watched the neighborhoods of houses through the chilly passenger window, my body wrapped in a blanket & my hands wrapped in a hot mug, I finally said goodbye. Farewell to the sadness of memories that kept my heart captive. Adieu to the former traditions that were laced up with the words mum & dad. I felt each twinkling light cheer me on as if they were regenerating my emotions. I held Travis' hand as we shared moments of laughter and of silence.
I feel optimistic about this next coming year, not just for the first nine months but especially for the last three.
PS: maybe I'll ask santa for a Total Recall experience so I can start christmas when I want to. and also pancakes & champagne.
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