Vacation time is like intangible gold and I accrue such worth in the amount of (up to) 40 days each calendar year.
I don't always find it easy to spend.
~~~~~
The city of Las Vegas. The under constructionally hot landscape, not likely what you'd call our favourite. For Travis, I sense it's the deeply sad & desperate energy slathering every inch of his surrounding, for me it's the shocking familiarity to my desert past that I'm not looking to re-explore right now.
Travis usually books an annual week of shows out there, hosting the Laugh Factory. I often go because time with my fella, wherever that is, is one of my favorite ways to tick the clock. However, this year posed new logistical challenges. I returned my leased car in May, so we're being a power couple on four wheels; I really wanted to take care of some 'boring to anyone else but me' house things; And mostly we had no one to watch Leroy.
As his planning unfolded, I realized I hadn't taken a proper vacation yet this year, making this the perfect opportunity. The calendar inched closer for missing Travis, but I became increasingly excited to spend the time alone. Yo, pick your chin up and read the above paragraph again. It afforded me the luxury to clear my personal list, which is just inherently harder when your spouse is around. Or at least it is when you dig them so much.
and together, we'll head back in December to visit Mercury, NV. {wink} look it up.
~~~~~
The goal was simple: Enjoy the time supporting my self-happiness & 1000 more head kisses to Leroy. I needed some life quiet and this week the noise should come from blasting my speakers.
- No social media or news
- Spend time with myself
- Spend time with Leroy
- Lots of walking & running
- Lots of stretching & literally putting my legs up
And:
- Paint the living room
- Paint some canvas
- Reorganize & Purge
- Read some magazines
- Work in the garden
- Mostly be alone but enjoy the few scheduled outings
Day 1: Travis left late morning, after all last minute preparations were done. Normally he packs up the car, does a verbal check of everything needed, we'd exchange XOXOXO and as he'd wave goodbye, a hefty dose of depression would step in. For the first few days I wouldn't do anything but watch television in the cuddle position hoping to hug Leroy but really he's cool just being near, and feel bad I wasn't accomplishing anything I had planned. But it was different this time. This time he drove away and I was immediately struck by the determination to action! It was an unexpected upturn, one I anticipate has to do with my overall life positives. I turned up the tunes that'd been knocking to get out of my head. oh and I miss Travis.
Day 2: Noticed interesting affects of not posting or checking the social media triad known as fabinster (facebook, instragram, twitter). There are things I thought or saw that I wanted to share, but the easily adhered to restriction meant they now become just for me. Or a text to someone - I like that. The instinct was to post on twitter or instagram, which I later figured was because I didn't mentioned going off-line on those platforms. Like one was closed for renovations and the others were open during construction. curious...
I also recognize the few times I wanted to look something up on facebook - a link, a company, piece of information... but said out loud each time, no social media! I was out with a friend this night and said (more than once) argh! I'll send you the information later. He just laughed, although encouragingly. I don't think people mind the reprieve as much anymore - I like that.
I discovered some new music through a random search. oh and I still miss Travis.
Day 3: Went for a nice, long run in the cool morning. Despite doing a boatload of more cardio activity, I've been getting faster per mile times. I'm somehow averaging 8:30 as compared to 9:15+, which I have no idea if that's a small or significant improvement. But I'll take it! A girlfriend wanted to celebrate my vacationness, so she invited me to an afternoon movie and early dinner. What a treat! This is obviously what tap dancing feels like.
Stayed up late with some Mazzy Star. oh and this is the day that's the longest where I miss Travis.
Day 4: Decided to give my run legs a break and walked 2.5 miles to a favorite market because I was making a Korean dinner for a friend, based on her suggestion of bringing vegan Korean ribs. So much schlepping of spices and eggplants! Legit my first attempt at such a thing tho and luckily I had time to prepare and perfect. Turns out she brought regular vegan ribs, so my sides were quite the spicy surprise. oops. Luckily they complimented each other and it was a fun mish-mosh of food. I truly love cooking and being lost in my own excitement was quite pleasurable.
It's becoming normal course to keep off the platforms. No joke, it feels like a distant activity reminiscent of before they overtook daily life. The political news allure of keeping informed has been on my mind a tad more than expected, but staying busy keeps those desires at bay. This mental check has been teased by knowing in a few days, I could watch again. Not sure how I feel about that or whether I will.
So. Much. Rap. oh and I way miss Travis but am getting excited it's closer to him coming home. Like when you know it's almost the weekend and that shit flips fast so then the thing you're waiting for will be here ever sooner!
Day 5: I still get up early because I want to make sure I hit all the things before it gets 1000 degrees. Nice long walk for Leroy, my exercise, any garden tending. That frees up my day for the inside stuff and today is a day for MUSIC. I really don't know what I'd do without those melodic vibrations, which makes me question why I never went into that industry.
I summoned Al Green and Otis Redding, who kindly serenaded me while I prepared some AH-MAH-ZING homemade soyrizo that isn't made from soy so I should call it LIErizo. (hrmph, I don't love that either). A friend was coming over for lunch and street tacos were our tasty jam. Seriously, unleash me to reverse-engineer a food and I'm a happy bird.
Tonight tho, I broke. sorta... Email was never on hold and I was resting on the couch when I ran through a few sub-accounts. Most are setup for creative projects and only receive daily notices from Twitter. On any particular day ending in Y, they usually land in the trash unopened. Tonight of all weeks, I opened one and the headline caught my eye. It was the first time since Sunday evening I felt tested. Do I? I mean it's only opening a web page and I'm not actually opening the app. But I knew it was still me reading the who & what in that certain layout and it was still my body experiencing the affects. I froze, staring at the email blurbage that beckoned me to trash all I'd worked for. In slow motion my fingers found the point on the screen that would take away the entire weeks' worth of clarity. I clicked and instantly felt weak. fuck. It ended up being so stupid and I spent the next 12 hours bummed that decision became my vacation ending reality. ok life, lesson learned.
oh and in that moment, I really wished Travis was home.
Day 6: Leroy and I had a lovely early morning park date with his two best friends and another 4 from his usual pawd squad. We haven't been going every Saturday like before and I think we souly needed it. I watched him be the most puppy - chasing ball, running in puddles, drinking water off a slide, and burying his face in the grass. I couldn't have asked for a better jump start to shake off the previous night.
Leroy and I got home around 9:30a and we sat in the backyard for a while, he hoping there's something to chase I don't have the back to work blues yet. In fact, I'm sitting outside in the morning knowing it's my usual first day off but this week is Day 6. I thought a lot about the week, all that I've done and some I didn't. I thought about the funny looks I'd get after telling people my plans, both staying at home - not needing a car - being busy. I didn't care, this wasn't there holiday.
Day 7: This one is just for me.
~~~~~
The last seven days started off meaning one thing, but through each of the experiences, became much deeper. I realized it was not about deprivation, it was about reminding myself to slow down. That, in itself, is a huge extension of
kindness I don't often grant myself.
This week has been totally worth the wait.
Showing posts with label Travis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Travis. Show all posts
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
1000 Opposite Sides
Travis has been writing 1000 words (at minimum) since January 1. So what's that make, like a couple of roller rinks' worth of stories? He's so rad. No matter how tired, now matter what's happened during the day, he does it. He freely and experiencly admits they all aren't brilliant, but that's not the point. It's about doing it and through that determination, he's had some incredible pieces of creativity throw up in word. It's inspiring.
Brandi has been conjuring 1000 ideas (at minimum) in her head since January 1. So what's that make, like a couple of roller rinks' worth of dreams? She's so mad. No matter how much she fights being tired, no matter how much she ignores the day, she's not doing it. She openly and humbly admits they all aren't brilliant, but that's not the point. It's about doing it and through that damn fear of failure, she's had some incredible goals of intention throw up in someone elses portfolio. It's infuriating.
Brandi has been conjuring 1000 ideas (at minimum) in her head since January 1. So what's that make, like a couple of roller rinks' worth of dreams? She's so mad. No matter how much she fights being tired, no matter how much she ignores the day, she's not doing it. She openly and humbly admits they all aren't brilliant, but that's not the point. It's about doing it and through that damn fear of failure, she's had some incredible goals of intention throw up in someone elses portfolio. It's infuriating.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Pain's Backstory
5 years ago on November 30, 2010, Travis and I sat in near silence as we drove to Cedars Sinai for his back surgery. His MAJOR back surgery. A surgery that would take months to heal from. We were both scared for our own reasons, but it was something totally necessary not just for his body, but for his life.
I held his hand tightly in mine, the entire ride.
~~~~~
I met Travis when his back was bad.
I married Travis when his back was shit.
I nearly lost Travis when his back was to the breaking point.
~~~~~
For seven years, I watched Travis fight daily against chronic pain, against worsening depression, and against everything telling him to quit. For seven years, I learned how to maneuver my way through our life, being both a support system and lady friend. I witnessed more mornings than I care to remember filled with gasps and screams. The pain pills would make him fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and in meetings; he couldn't work. We missed parties, movies, dinners and life because he was crippled with nerves that wouldn't shut up. He tried desperately to remain positive it would all turn out ok, for him and for me. He worked hard at the illusion things were normal - he had to cling to that dream or it would all be for naught. And I did too - I was the loudest about it, because that would be the most important thing I could do, or at least control. Silently I sobbed as it became harder and harder for this truly, most fucking significant person in my life to remain capable, to remain funny, to remain my partner, and to remain upright.
I would spend countless hours massaging his low back, waiting for sleep to reign down. He had certain mannerisms that indicated it was coming and I would breathe, knowing it was the only time he would occasionally be granted respite. And that relief was for me, too. As the pain increased, naturally so did the seemingly erratic behavior, the anger, the depression. I was constantly adjusting to the unpredictable whims of his nerves, which could lash out at any moment. It was exhausting; we both were exhausted.
If you've never taken care of a person with a chronic condition, needing a break may sound selfish. It's not. It's such an emotional, stressful existence for everyone involved, if you don't take care of yourself you're no good to the other person. I had to master this on my own. Dealing with the unknown and us being so young, I had no one to turn to. These are old people problems, right? We're supposed to have a bunch of years before theoretically facing any health junk... Sure, friends were around in the best way they knew how, but there was no context for them to truly understand the type of encouragement I needed, the support, or that my huge accumulation of guilt was normal. I barely understood, let alone an outsider. I dissolved more and more as a person, to where I was simply Travis' caregiver - not his old lady.
His L4/5 was near collapsed.
His L3/4 was in jeopardy of doing the same.
~~~~~
For a long time, he bounced around from doc to doc, test to test, med to med looking for answers and I was right there taking notes. We arranged speculative surgeries & implanted devices, hoping we'd stumble upon the cure. At first, no one mentioned degenerative disc disease, which was both hereditary and induced by his young-man weight lifting. Initially, no one told us how long it had been progressing and that it was a miracle he was still able to walk. He was put on hardcore narcotics by a surgeon, as a way to deal with the pain instead of correct it. That person ended up abandoning him by refusing to answer our phone calls, let alone refill the prescription he started. Mother fucker left us cold and on our own to oversee a legal addiction. We finally found a pain management clinic who could properly administer the dosages, yet even they didn't diagnose his common acute illness depression. Never discussed or suggested a therapist who could help talk through these traumas each of us were going through. By the end he was taking one of the highest dosages of Oxycontin that could be given to someone not being induced into a coma, who was simply waiting to die. His quality of life nearly becoming moot.
Now here's not to say Travis was never given option plans - he was. For a long time, we were never in a position to either medically or financially do anything about it, so that was fun. Some doctors were incompetent as was their office, some were dismissive and cruel, and others never made sense. In what would later became the procedures Travis got, at the time they were suggested either the risks far outweighed the benefits OR it wasn't even available in the US. This was the case for fusion and disc replacement. Both had been suggested over the years, even before I knew him. Fusion was common practice for collapsing discs. But in the early days, that involved taking part of his hip (rather than a cadaver bone,) shoving it into his spine, having it take well over a year to heal, his hip would be messed up forever, his mobility would be greatly compromised and in the end, there was little confidence the problem wouldn't persist or spread. yeah no. The disc replacement was a technique developed in Germany and had been used in Europe for years, so the orthopedic surgeons Travis was consulting with were stoked about that being the best option. But the US considered the device experimental and thus not approved by the FDA. They loved it so much because the experience was basically opposite of everything fusion was. HELL YEAH LET'S DO IT! But until 2010, it seemed completely unattainable for a couple of young kids, so it was like why the fuck did they even suggest this wondrous idea...
Desperate, I researched americans going to Germany for procedures and just like every other avenue we pursued, it too, became nearly impossible to materialize.
We weren't yet living in a society where our government finally eliminated truly wrong pre-existing condition insurance clauses, which prevented people from getting the treatment they needed. His carrier was legally able to repeatedly deny most treatments, year after year, especially the replacement. We appealed every time, provided boatloads of research and backup, only to be disregarded by some general physician yuck who had no experience in spines. And not just like sorry, try again. Like seriously, we're sick of you, stop asking, we said no, now pay us our $600 p/mo so we can continue to service basically your meds. Good luck.
I call bullshite.
Being faced with a problem and no apparent solution, made the tiniest part of me fall into hopeful denial he would just somehow get well. The 99.999999.2% remainder of my brain knew better and it was hopelessness, defeatment. I had no one who could advocate on our behalf; I didn't have enough cash to buy our way out, his insurance was a joke, at one point I even considered writing the local news asking for help getting in front of the medical review board... I was a 20-something lass who was alone. But I could never let him know that, I never let anyone know.
~~~~~
Travis did have days where he felt better, which only meant 'ok enough to do an activity beyond laying down.' Early 2010, we had just taken delivery of a new couch and a few pieces of furniture needed to be moved back, which I always insisted he let me do. Yet that day he offered to grab a chair - it was maybe 10 pounds, maybe. That was the piece that broke the Travis' back. Something popped and instantly became an entirely new level of pain. bloody hell.
Weeks after, although I don't remember the exact date, became our day of infamy. I remember the moment vividly. He was laying on the older couch that hurt least, writhing from side to side because he couldn't get comfortable, we were both crying, he couldn't stop screaming from his bodies' inability to have of a moment of reprieve. I had become accustomed to these ups and downs, but this was an entirely different low. I often had Travis squeeze my hand during flare ups, because it was the smallest gesture I could offer to take any portion of the hurt away. That night was the tightest grip he'd ever had, probably close to breaking my fingers. I never asked him to stop. And instead of going through my reassurance rolodex, I flashed back to a very scary & personal thought he shared with me about suicide, not that long before this night. As I sat on the floor, his hand crushing mine, looking at his face, assessing the state of things, feeling like every second is a year, I thought to myself "I understand wanting to make the pain stop. How could I deny him that..."
Yes. I did and it was the most real & compassionate thought I had at the time. It's why I will always, fully support any legislation that allows people the right to die with dignity. You may disagree, but I've spent years facing this first hand and in certain circumstances when all hope is lost, that may be the only thing to eliminate the suffering. Most people will never experience a person going through something like that; It's horrific and emotionally immeasurable. I get it, it's some heavy shit. But you have to put on a different pair of pants for a moment. If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes with a person dealing with chronic, physical pain, especially one you care so much about the word love doesn't even come close to conveying how you feel, you would do anything to spare them.
It was right after that I knew I had to do something. This was not a life.
~~~~~
Through crying pleas for help, that's when I called our dear friend Kevin, who selflessly left band practice to come over. Normally, Travis didn't ever want to bother anyone with his pain, but Kevin was in a unique position to actually understand what he was going through. He was the surgical assistant to like the top US orthopedic surgeon who was now performing the disc replacements. For years, he & Travis had spoken about the health of his back and ways he could alleviate discomfort. But we never pursued consults because his boss was in such demand, he didn't take insurance. I knew how much our medical bills were on a regular basis, how could I ever think we'd be able to afford a top surgeon who only takes cash?! However, we found out that night, due to a long series of misinformation and misassumptions, we were wrong. We were so wrong...
Kevin gave us life changing information, which simply was "here's a hug, it'll be ok, call the office, tell them I sent you, and setup an appointment. They will work with you...." That was all it took (as I sit here crying, replaying all the years we fought to move forward an inch, were pushed back a mile, and he swoops in saving Travis' life in one conversation.) :-) We will forever be grateful.
With help from Kevin & adjustments to his medication, we were able to temporarily reduce some of the grossness until we could meet with the guy a month later. It's still difficult to think about Travis' high tolerance for pain and this reduction was simply getting him back to the crappy feelings he was used to. It was motivating in an odd way.
After the doc did his set of tests, we discovered Trav's L4/5 had deteriorated so bad disc replacement was no longer an option. Not what we wanted to hear, but the advances with fusion either eliminated or greatly reduced those initial challenges - so we agreed. And because we were now married and he was on my way better insurance, they approved anything related to said fusion would be covered. yes. For the disc above, L3/4, doc suggested doing the replacement since fusions often affect the upper/lower vertebrae because of the stress placed on the joints. The replacement, in theory, should stop any degenerating progression and he was a good candidate at that level. Yet anything related to the disc was 100% out of pocket. I wasn't going to let that stop us this time and vowed to make it happen. We sold stuff & took advances on several credit cards. You do what you have to, right?
Travis' major surgery to regain his life, was finally scheduled.
This certainly wasn't his first, but hopefully his last.
I don't ever want to revisit his backstory.
~~~~~
Cash out of pocket:
- $10,000 for the disc
- $12,000+ for the surgeon & operating room fees associated to the disc
- a few thousand misc dollars for other things I can't remember
Thankfully our insurance covered the fusion, hospital stay, $50 aspirins, x-rays, nurses who were amazing, etc. Their potion was over $300,000, which I couldn't imagine having to repay every cent of those exorbitant prices. I wish I could help the people who have to...
~~~~~
In Travis' words, from 30th November, 2015:
I held his hand tightly in mine, the entire ride.
~~~~~
I met Travis when his back was bad.
I married Travis when his back was shit.
I nearly lost Travis when his back was to the breaking point.
~~~~~
For seven years, I watched Travis fight daily against chronic pain, against worsening depression, and against everything telling him to quit. For seven years, I learned how to maneuver my way through our life, being both a support system and lady friend. I witnessed more mornings than I care to remember filled with gasps and screams. The pain pills would make him fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and in meetings; he couldn't work. We missed parties, movies, dinners and life because he was crippled with nerves that wouldn't shut up. He tried desperately to remain positive it would all turn out ok, for him and for me. He worked hard at the illusion things were normal - he had to cling to that dream or it would all be for naught. And I did too - I was the loudest about it, because that would be the most important thing I could do, or at least control. Silently I sobbed as it became harder and harder for this truly, most fucking significant person in my life to remain capable, to remain funny, to remain my partner, and to remain upright.
I would spend countless hours massaging his low back, waiting for sleep to reign down. He had certain mannerisms that indicated it was coming and I would breathe, knowing it was the only time he would occasionally be granted respite. And that relief was for me, too. As the pain increased, naturally so did the seemingly erratic behavior, the anger, the depression. I was constantly adjusting to the unpredictable whims of his nerves, which could lash out at any moment. It was exhausting; we both were exhausted.
If you've never taken care of a person with a chronic condition, needing a break may sound selfish. It's not. It's such an emotional, stressful existence for everyone involved, if you don't take care of yourself you're no good to the other person. I had to master this on my own. Dealing with the unknown and us being so young, I had no one to turn to. These are old people problems, right? We're supposed to have a bunch of years before theoretically facing any health junk... Sure, friends were around in the best way they knew how, but there was no context for them to truly understand the type of encouragement I needed, the support, or that my huge accumulation of guilt was normal. I barely understood, let alone an outsider. I dissolved more and more as a person, to where I was simply Travis' caregiver - not his old lady.
His L4/5 was near collapsed.
His L3/4 was in jeopardy of doing the same.
~~~~~
For a long time, he bounced around from doc to doc, test to test, med to med looking for answers and I was right there taking notes. We arranged speculative surgeries & implanted devices, hoping we'd stumble upon the cure. At first, no one mentioned degenerative disc disease, which was both hereditary and induced by his young-man weight lifting. Initially, no one told us how long it had been progressing and that it was a miracle he was still able to walk. He was put on hardcore narcotics by a surgeon, as a way to deal with the pain instead of correct it. That person ended up abandoning him by refusing to answer our phone calls, let alone refill the prescription he started. Mother fucker left us cold and on our own to oversee a legal addiction. We finally found a pain management clinic who could properly administer the dosages, yet even they didn't diagnose his common acute illness depression. Never discussed or suggested a therapist who could help talk through these traumas each of us were going through. By the end he was taking one of the highest dosages of Oxycontin that could be given to someone not being induced into a coma, who was simply waiting to die. His quality of life nearly becoming moot.
Now here's not to say Travis was never given option plans - he was. For a long time, we were never in a position to either medically or financially do anything about it, so that was fun. Some doctors were incompetent as was their office, some were dismissive and cruel, and others never made sense. In what would later became the procedures Travis got, at the time they were suggested either the risks far outweighed the benefits OR it wasn't even available in the US. This was the case for fusion and disc replacement. Both had been suggested over the years, even before I knew him. Fusion was common practice for collapsing discs. But in the early days, that involved taking part of his hip (rather than a cadaver bone,) shoving it into his spine, having it take well over a year to heal, his hip would be messed up forever, his mobility would be greatly compromised and in the end, there was little confidence the problem wouldn't persist or spread. yeah no. The disc replacement was a technique developed in Germany and had been used in Europe for years, so the orthopedic surgeons Travis was consulting with were stoked about that being the best option. But the US considered the device experimental and thus not approved by the FDA. They loved it so much because the experience was basically opposite of everything fusion was. HELL YEAH LET'S DO IT! But until 2010, it seemed completely unattainable for a couple of young kids, so it was like why the fuck did they even suggest this wondrous idea...
Desperate, I researched americans going to Germany for procedures and just like every other avenue we pursued, it too, became nearly impossible to materialize.
We weren't yet living in a society where our government finally eliminated truly wrong pre-existing condition insurance clauses, which prevented people from getting the treatment they needed. His carrier was legally able to repeatedly deny most treatments, year after year, especially the replacement. We appealed every time, provided boatloads of research and backup, only to be disregarded by some general physician yuck who had no experience in spines. And not just like sorry, try again. Like seriously, we're sick of you, stop asking, we said no, now pay us our $600 p/mo so we can continue to service basically your meds. Good luck.
I call bullshite.
Being faced with a problem and no apparent solution, made the tiniest part of me fall into hopeful denial he would just somehow get well. The 99.999999.2% remainder of my brain knew better and it was hopelessness, defeatment. I had no one who could advocate on our behalf; I didn't have enough cash to buy our way out, his insurance was a joke, at one point I even considered writing the local news asking for help getting in front of the medical review board... I was a 20-something lass who was alone. But I could never let him know that, I never let anyone know.
~~~~~
Travis did have days where he felt better, which only meant 'ok enough to do an activity beyond laying down.' Early 2010, we had just taken delivery of a new couch and a few pieces of furniture needed to be moved back, which I always insisted he let me do. Yet that day he offered to grab a chair - it was maybe 10 pounds, maybe. That was the piece that broke the Travis' back. Something popped and instantly became an entirely new level of pain. bloody hell.
Weeks after, although I don't remember the exact date, became our day of infamy. I remember the moment vividly. He was laying on the older couch that hurt least, writhing from side to side because he couldn't get comfortable, we were both crying, he couldn't stop screaming from his bodies' inability to have of a moment of reprieve. I had become accustomed to these ups and downs, but this was an entirely different low. I often had Travis squeeze my hand during flare ups, because it was the smallest gesture I could offer to take any portion of the hurt away. That night was the tightest grip he'd ever had, probably close to breaking my fingers. I never asked him to stop. And instead of going through my reassurance rolodex, I flashed back to a very scary & personal thought he shared with me about suicide, not that long before this night. As I sat on the floor, his hand crushing mine, looking at his face, assessing the state of things, feeling like every second is a year, I thought to myself "I understand wanting to make the pain stop. How could I deny him that..."
Yes. I did and it was the most real & compassionate thought I had at the time. It's why I will always, fully support any legislation that allows people the right to die with dignity. You may disagree, but I've spent years facing this first hand and in certain circumstances when all hope is lost, that may be the only thing to eliminate the suffering. Most people will never experience a person going through something like that; It's horrific and emotionally immeasurable. I get it, it's some heavy shit. But you have to put on a different pair of pants for a moment. If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes with a person dealing with chronic, physical pain, especially one you care so much about the word love doesn't even come close to conveying how you feel, you would do anything to spare them.
It was right after that I knew I had to do something. This was not a life.
~~~~~
Through crying pleas for help, that's when I called our dear friend Kevin, who selflessly left band practice to come over. Normally, Travis didn't ever want to bother anyone with his pain, but Kevin was in a unique position to actually understand what he was going through. He was the surgical assistant to like the top US orthopedic surgeon who was now performing the disc replacements. For years, he & Travis had spoken about the health of his back and ways he could alleviate discomfort. But we never pursued consults because his boss was in such demand, he didn't take insurance. I knew how much our medical bills were on a regular basis, how could I ever think we'd be able to afford a top surgeon who only takes cash?! However, we found out that night, due to a long series of misinformation and misassumptions, we were wrong. We were so wrong...
Kevin gave us life changing information, which simply was "here's a hug, it'll be ok, call the office, tell them I sent you, and setup an appointment. They will work with you...." That was all it took (as I sit here crying, replaying all the years we fought to move forward an inch, were pushed back a mile, and he swoops in saving Travis' life in one conversation.) :-) We will forever be grateful.
With help from Kevin & adjustments to his medication, we were able to temporarily reduce some of the grossness until we could meet with the guy a month later. It's still difficult to think about Travis' high tolerance for pain and this reduction was simply getting him back to the crappy feelings he was used to. It was motivating in an odd way.
After the doc did his set of tests, we discovered Trav's L4/5 had deteriorated so bad disc replacement was no longer an option. Not what we wanted to hear, but the advances with fusion either eliminated or greatly reduced those initial challenges - so we agreed. And because we were now married and he was on my way better insurance, they approved anything related to said fusion would be covered. yes. For the disc above, L3/4, doc suggested doing the replacement since fusions often affect the upper/lower vertebrae because of the stress placed on the joints. The replacement, in theory, should stop any degenerating progression and he was a good candidate at that level. Yet anything related to the disc was 100% out of pocket. I wasn't going to let that stop us this time and vowed to make it happen. We sold stuff & took advances on several credit cards. You do what you have to, right?
Travis' major surgery to regain his life, was finally scheduled.
This certainly wasn't his first, but hopefully his last.
I don't ever want to revisit his backstory.
~~~~~
Cash out of pocket:
- $10,000 for the disc
- $12,000+ for the surgeon & operating room fees associated to the disc
- a few thousand misc dollars for other things I can't remember
Thankfully our insurance covered the fusion, hospital stay, $50 aspirins, x-rays, nurses who were amazing, etc. Their potion was over $300,000, which I couldn't imagine having to repay every cent of those exorbitant prices. I wish I could help the people who have to...
~~~~~
In Travis' words, from 30th November, 2015:
Monday, March 2, 2015
The Couple Who Shirts Together, Stays Together
If you're a facebook user, even casually, I'm sure you've noticed ads in both your timeline and off to the side of the page.
Through the grace of their algorithms, you get:
1) Your internet search history, like amazon showing you that thing you forgot you browsed
2) A page your friend liked for the 100th time
3) Blasts reminding you of the glasses your husband mentioned once and bought twice
swell.
A new one for me, however, started near valentine's day and has continued to pop up sporadically. I received information from caring stooges, letting me know there's only one way to show Travis just how much I care {randomly whips out phone / reminds husband of love.} Thanks neo-marketing, but it's extra creeptastic.
...they should arrive Thursday...
Through the grace of their algorithms, you get:
1) Your internet search history, like amazon showing you that thing you forgot you browsed
2) A page your friend liked for the 100th time
3) Blasts reminding you of the glasses your husband mentioned once and bought twice
swell.
A new one for me, however, started near valentine's day and has continued to pop up sporadically. I received information from caring stooges, letting me know there's only one way to show Travis just how much I care {randomly whips out phone / reminds husband of love.} Thanks neo-marketing, but it's extra creeptastic.
...they should arrive Thursday...
Sunday, February 8, 2015
A Day with the Clarks: We're Professionals
Travis and I are believers that healthy relationships need time apart from one another, which we exercise, but we also really, truly, no joke for reals enjoy spending most of our time together. Sometimes on whims silly things happen and sometimes delightful photos are snapped.
All I was trying to do was take one of my new, swell haircut.
*** total fucking disclaimer: this shall never be used as evidence because we love each other. We would never, ever hurt any person, place or thing. If we ever find ourselves in court, dude, we were having fun. kay, bye.
All I was trying to do was take one of my new, swell haircut.
And A Day with the Clark's begins...
*** total fucking disclaimer: this shall never be used as evidence because we love each other. We would never, ever hurt any person, place or thing. If we ever find ourselves in court, dude, we were having fun. kay, bye.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Merry Monday: Week 1
This morning I walked out to the backyard and saw our mushroom colony was back. These random fungi pop up every so often and my immediate thought is always LITTLE TINY VILLAGES with parks and pools and giant birds that chirp chirp.
My pop-up colony always makes me smile, so I wanted to share that feeling. I started a #MerryMonday hashtag. And although I have no desire to put any effort into sorting whether this is a thing already, I hope you raise those mouth curves high to the sky!
Towards the end of the day, I found it rewarding seeing old photos, goofy photos, and a few say-whats. It was a lovely therapy session I shall do each week.
In order as posted (on both twitter and instagram)
My pop-up colony always makes me smile, so I wanted to share that feeling. I started a #MerryMonday hashtag. And although I have no desire to put any effort into sorting whether this is a thing already, I hope you raise those mouth curves high to the sky!
Towards the end of the day, I found it rewarding seeing old photos, goofy photos, and a few say-whats. It was a lovely therapy session I shall do each week.
In order as posted (on both twitter and instagram)
"I need a little fun-gi this Monday Morning."
"a card I drew Travis."
"Grounds for dismissal."
"Important worky stuff goes here."
"My only other love."
"chomp chomp."
"You said it brother."
"I often reply to Travis via text message."
"Don't even get me started on Stassi."
"love and be happy, smile and be kind people."
Monday, December 22, 2014
The 7 Stages of Loniness
I go through the same stages of loneliness each time Travis is away.
- Anticipation
- Sadness
- Encouraged
- Productive
- Longing
- Acceptance
- Repeat
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
The streak is over!
Ring the bells, close the shops, confetti some recycled scratch paper!!! Travis has accepted a job offer doing junk for this company I can't mention.
It's exciting x 100.
It's exciting x 100.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Because I don't want a girlfriend anymore.
Keeping with the little bits of sentiment lately, many people don't know how Travis proposed one fateful day.
It was just right...
We had conversations early on about marriage, casually over the course of getting to know one another. I was a little taken aback when Travis said with conviction he'd never get married. It wasn't the commitment to someone answer, but rather he didn't need a piece of paper proving yatta, yatta, yatta answer. He also never wanted to get a divorce, so being in a soceity where that is norm, it's a turn off for him - I get it. But I'll admit I was a little disappointed since that seemed to be the next step everyone takes after a few years of dating. Thanks society. But after the initial bluntness of Travis' answer, I spent a fair amount of time realizing that worked for me too. I actually didn't care of the implied importance. Many years went by until that conversation strolled by our informal dinner table again. Our relationship grew deeper and we each knew more about who we were. And more importantly, who we were together.
Somewhere around year 6 of dating, Travis mentioned he wanted to gather the few family items left to him. I didn't think much of it. Bonds from this relative and jewelry from so and so. The one thing that always meant the most to him, was his mamaw's wedding ring (father's mum.) He'd pondered getting it for years but wasn't sure where the ring ended up, at times his mom even thought it had been stolen. Again, I didn't think much of it since Travis was extremely close with his mamaw. He lived with her in Macon, Georgia for a spell, until he and his parents moved to Los Angeles when Travis was five. Each summer, he would go back to visit, until she passed when he was a teenager. Mamaw helped shape his childhood and gave him incredible memories any kid would be proud to have - including tea coffee. I'm bummed I never got to meet her but he wrote about one special memory.
The stigma of marriage silently washed away as the years passed between us. Within those conversations about the mementos, it became easier for us to talk about "what ifs." What if we did get married? Would we have to invite people X? Would it be local or cater to insistences from relatives? We agreed to have a wedding that encapsulated us and our personality, but left it at that. A little unresolved, which didn't help with my spiking think meter. What if he asked me? I mean he won't, but what if? Am I that person to get married to someone who doesn't want to, yet seemed super right if we did? What kind of ring did I want? Nothing new, of course (due to often horrible working conditions.) The dress - oh man, what would I wear? I don't care about it being white - what if I got a vintage red-carpety type gown? Something I'd look spectacular in. Those thoughts came in short spurts of the internal kind, but never making me nuts to think "why hasn't he done it yet?" "If he doesn't, I'm leaving this relationship!" never. It ultimately sounded like a rad idea, but whether we were or were not declared on a piece of paper, our relationship was fantastic and would continue far beyond that decree.
Little did I know, he and his mother found the ring and his planning begun.
On Jan 20, 2010 (year 7), I had gone to work like any other weekday. I wasn't scheduled for a meeting but this chick called and wanted to brainstorm ideas on something important at the time. At this point, me and this chick had been friends, hanging occasionally outside work. But just like the dude from my meeting Travis story, we are no longer friends with her either. I SWEAR it's not us. So I went down to her office for what should have been 30 minutes. Soon in, I realized I forgot my phone. Travis had always asked I keep it with me, in case he had an emergency, especially with his back being so awful. After I realized we'd been talking shop for 90 minutes, I had to go - sensing Travis needed to get hold of me. I went back to my office where three voicemails and boats of text messages awaited me. crap. The texts started off simple enough like where are you, can I stop by. Leading into more urgent pleas, can you call me, I really need to speak to you. The tone in the voicemail was the worst since I could hear something big was up...
It was around 11a or so when I finally got hold of him. He was extremely somber and off, even for a person in chronic pain. He said he was close, needed to speak in person, and would be to my work in about 10 minutes if I could wait downstairs. I secretly panicked. A hundred ideas ran though my head about what it could be... Did something happen to his parents, his brother, was he breaking up with me, or completey opposite and he had been offered an amazing job? At the time, the last option was actually the most likely given his personality, so I wagered on that. Hell, it was better than thinking our relationship was kaput.
It started to drizzle...
I'm outside and I see him walking up. His face is like a stone faced weeping angel and I'm kinda freaking out. I remind myself this is probably the opposite of what's actually happening and I'm about to hear his good piece of news.
It's still drizzling and I have no umbrella... He walks up.
"Brandi, I've been thinking a lot lately and I have no interest in having you as a girlfriend anymore."
Here's exactly what went through my head in a span of NO JOKE, 2 seconds:
"Because (the most genuine, non-cheesy smile) I wan't you to be my wife."
So my heart stopped. What my eyes saw was the most beautiful art deco ring, that was exactly what I had envisioned all those discussions ago. Prior to this moment, I'd never seen the ring, it had never even been described to me. All I knew was his mamaw wore it everyday, even after her husband passed, and she wanted Travis to have it. I stood there staring, in awe of this symoblic gesture and giant honour, entrusted to me in precious metal.
I looked at him and everything that made sense, was looking back. I needed to preserve it for eternity, if only a second. My brain said speak, silly bird. I of course said YES*! I hugged him, I unexpectedly shed happy tears, and I saw a bright future.
After the initial excitement and stares from passers by, we just sorta stared at each other. Giggling. Like what do we do now? Is there something to do? Travis said he'd been with his mom all morning waiting for me to call, so he suggested we visit her nearby work to share the swell news. On the car ride over, my brain was swimming with emotion and I struggled to say something poignant (always say something to be remembered by, hints my noodle.) But all I could form was "We can tell your parents, but I'm not ready to tell anyone else." I know that's a totally weird reaction. It's not because I wasn't over the moon, quite opposite actually. I was just so unprepared for this life changing even to actually be real. I also wasn't a big jewelry person, despite the ring being tops. Plus, I guess I had to use words like engaged and fiance - it was foreign! Saying that felt like marbles in my mouth and I just wanted to be a little more normal first. bizarre. I guess the only highlight was the emotion of being part of a secret club, like people could tell there was something special about me. Maybe that's how people feel when they find out they'll be having a baby.
The rain let up and the clouds parted, signifying our next chapter. Or some junk.
* If you ask Travis, I never made a sound before hugging him. He figured it was positive since I didn't run away, but he asked again and I made sure to say YEEEESSSSSSS. *
It was just right...
We had conversations early on about marriage, casually over the course of getting to know one another. I was a little taken aback when Travis said with conviction he'd never get married. It wasn't the commitment to someone answer, but rather he didn't need a piece of paper proving yatta, yatta, yatta answer. He also never wanted to get a divorce, so being in a soceity where that is norm, it's a turn off for him - I get it. But I'll admit I was a little disappointed since that seemed to be the next step everyone takes after a few years of dating. Thanks society. But after the initial bluntness of Travis' answer, I spent a fair amount of time realizing that worked for me too. I actually didn't care of the implied importance. Many years went by until that conversation strolled by our informal dinner table again. Our relationship grew deeper and we each knew more about who we were. And more importantly, who we were together.
Somewhere around year 6 of dating, Travis mentioned he wanted to gather the few family items left to him. I didn't think much of it. Bonds from this relative and jewelry from so and so. The one thing that always meant the most to him, was his mamaw's wedding ring (father's mum.) He'd pondered getting it for years but wasn't sure where the ring ended up, at times his mom even thought it had been stolen. Again, I didn't think much of it since Travis was extremely close with his mamaw. He lived with her in Macon, Georgia for a spell, until he and his parents moved to Los Angeles when Travis was five. Each summer, he would go back to visit, until she passed when he was a teenager. Mamaw helped shape his childhood and gave him incredible memories any kid would be proud to have - including tea coffee. I'm bummed I never got to meet her but he wrote about one special memory.
The stigma of marriage silently washed away as the years passed between us. Within those conversations about the mementos, it became easier for us to talk about "what ifs." What if we did get married? Would we have to invite people X? Would it be local or cater to insistences from relatives? We agreed to have a wedding that encapsulated us and our personality, but left it at that. A little unresolved, which didn't help with my spiking think meter. What if he asked me? I mean he won't, but what if? Am I that person to get married to someone who doesn't want to, yet seemed super right if we did? What kind of ring did I want? Nothing new, of course (due to often horrible working conditions.) The dress - oh man, what would I wear? I don't care about it being white - what if I got a vintage red-carpety type gown? Something I'd look spectacular in. Those thoughts came in short spurts of the internal kind, but never making me nuts to think "why hasn't he done it yet?" "If he doesn't, I'm leaving this relationship!" never. It ultimately sounded like a rad idea, but whether we were or were not declared on a piece of paper, our relationship was fantastic and would continue far beyond that decree.
Little did I know, he and his mother found the ring and his planning begun.
On Jan 20, 2010 (year 7), I had gone to work like any other weekday. I wasn't scheduled for a meeting but this chick called and wanted to brainstorm ideas on something important at the time. At this point, me and this chick had been friends, hanging occasionally outside work. But just like the dude from my meeting Travis story, we are no longer friends with her either. I SWEAR it's not us. So I went down to her office for what should have been 30 minutes. Soon in, I realized I forgot my phone. Travis had always asked I keep it with me, in case he had an emergency, especially with his back being so awful. After I realized we'd been talking shop for 90 minutes, I had to go - sensing Travis needed to get hold of me. I went back to my office where three voicemails and boats of text messages awaited me. crap. The texts started off simple enough like where are you, can I stop by. Leading into more urgent pleas, can you call me, I really need to speak to you. The tone in the voicemail was the worst since I could hear something big was up...
It was around 11a or so when I finally got hold of him. He was extremely somber and off, even for a person in chronic pain. He said he was close, needed to speak in person, and would be to my work in about 10 minutes if I could wait downstairs. I secretly panicked. A hundred ideas ran though my head about what it could be... Did something happen to his parents, his brother, was he breaking up with me, or completey opposite and he had been offered an amazing job? At the time, the last option was actually the most likely given his personality, so I wagered on that. Hell, it was better than thinking our relationship was kaput.
It started to drizzle...
I'm outside and I see him walking up. His face is like a stone faced weeping angel and I'm kinda freaking out. I remind myself this is probably the opposite of what's actually happening and I'm about to hear his good piece of news.
It's still drizzling and I have no umbrella... He walks up.
"Brandi, I've been thinking a lot lately and I have no interest in having you as a girlfriend anymore."
Here's exactly what went through my head in a span of NO JOKE, 2 seconds:
- I'm sorry, what the fuck did he just say?
- Is he seriously breaking up with me at work? naw...
- Is he about to ask me to marry him? naw...
- What is happening?!?
"Because (the most genuine, non-cheesy smile) I wan't you to be my wife."
So my heart stopped. What my eyes saw was the most beautiful art deco ring, that was exactly what I had envisioned all those discussions ago. Prior to this moment, I'd never seen the ring, it had never even been described to me. All I knew was his mamaw wore it everyday, even after her husband passed, and she wanted Travis to have it. I stood there staring, in awe of this symoblic gesture and giant honour, entrusted to me in precious metal.
I looked at him and everything that made sense, was looking back. I needed to preserve it for eternity, if only a second. My brain said speak, silly bird. I of course said YES*! I hugged him, I unexpectedly shed happy tears, and I saw a bright future.
After the initial excitement and stares from passers by, we just sorta stared at each other. Giggling. Like what do we do now? Is there something to do? Travis said he'd been with his mom all morning waiting for me to call, so he suggested we visit her nearby work to share the swell news. On the car ride over, my brain was swimming with emotion and I struggled to say something poignant (always say something to be remembered by, hints my noodle.) But all I could form was "We can tell your parents, but I'm not ready to tell anyone else." I know that's a totally weird reaction. It's not because I wasn't over the moon, quite opposite actually. I was just so unprepared for this life changing even to actually be real. I also wasn't a big jewelry person, despite the ring being tops. Plus, I guess I had to use words like engaged and fiance - it was foreign! Saying that felt like marbles in my mouth and I just wanted to be a little more normal first. bizarre. I guess the only highlight was the emotion of being part of a secret club, like people could tell there was something special about me. Maybe that's how people feel when they find out they'll be having a baby.
The rain let up and the clouds parted, signifying our next chapter. Or some junk.
* If you ask Travis, I never made a sound before hugging him. He figured it was positive since I didn't run away, but he asked again and I made sure to say YEEEESSSSSSS. *
Monday, May 26, 2014
A joke a day, keeps the divorce away.
Unless you were the other two people there, most of our friends do not know how Travis and I met.
I was working at a previous job when I started chatting with this guy who worked down the hall. We had fun banter, not really flirty because he was awkward and I wasn't sure his deal, but I liked him. We hung out after work, went to shows, and I stayed at his place when my driving privileges were revoked (that's another story for another time.) I've always been a person who has to feel a certain spark/passion/umph in order to date a fella. I don't understand it and I don't fight it. I started feeling he was looking for something more, but I just wasn't into it. In fact, many great guys who would have loved to date me, have been in my life. But I just wasn't into them like that. My go-to defense was the longer I play naive, he'll eventually get the hint. I think it worked...
This guy still invited me to shows, including one in Silver Lake at Spaceland, to see Mondo Generator. It was Dec 2002. I didn't know who they were but it was supposed to be an awesome show and any activity where I could spend less time at my parents house, was perfect. He said we'd be meeting up with some friends of his. cool. As the ticket line sprawled up towards the hip houses, we found his friends Travis and Jaime. I immediately had that umph with Travis when he was sweet and cracked a joke, but my gut told me he and this chick were together, so I set the switch to internal. They were fun - laughing a lot, the band was fine, and we had a swell night.
After the show, we popped by Travis' truck where I had ditched my purse. As I held it, we stood in the ready to part ways circle and said the customary nice to meet yous & goodbyes. I wasn't given the future invitation to "hang out again," so even though I thought Travis was rad, I figured I'd never see him again. When dude and I were walking back to his car, I asked how he knew them. He said Travis and he worked together previously, but did not include Jaime in that reminiscence. He never mentioned whether they were/were not dating so I assumed she was part of the package. I didn't really want to ask either, since I thought that'd be rude. As we walked away I thought eh, I'll meet someone else.
3 months went by until a random course of events brought 3/4 of us together again on Feb 25, 2003. I got tickets to see Queens of the Stone Age at The Grove of Anaheim, giving one to the dude as a thank you for putting up with my lack of driving. I bought them in person at Wherehouse Music, getting lucky with pit wristbands. Travis is a HUGE Queens fan (which I didn't know then.) I guess dude mentioned to him we were going, Travis said - so am I! We agreed to carpool and again I felt {fucking umph, but really can't say anything with both of them there.} We stopped by the merch table, where I bought some QotSA panties (cuz that's all the money I had) and Travis bought a poster. I offered to use my girlish ways to get our wares back to the car for safe-keeping, since most shows - once you're in, you're in. And I wanted to do something nice for Travis by keeping his poster un-ruffled. Travis told me later when I left for the car, he started asking this dude what my deal was. He liked me but wasn't sure if dude liked me too, and whether it would be ok to call me. Dude said ok and Travis did. Which was likely the beginning of the end for that friendship, for numerous unreasonable reasons.
Turns out the night we met, Travis and Jaime had just broken up - like days prior or something. Which makes sense for me thinking they were a couple. I know what it's like to break up but still hang out, so that wasn't odd. And years later, all three of us are friends - and I like that. Also turns out the night we met, Travis thought dude and I were trying to date, so he didn't want to pursue anything then either. We each found out the others' side a few months after that Queens show. We'd been talking and having lunches - often. And that's all it took. The umph I was speaking about was growing. fast. Lengthy conversations with dude turned to brief chats as he was pulling away more and more. I learned later that was kinda his thing, so I stopped sweating it. We haven't spoken to him in many years. fuck him.
Every relationship with a person (friendship or other) has a unique quality that cannot be programmed for the next. And you never really know why two people fall together, but we did. What was it I found so intoxicating? He made me laugh, he listened, and he helped. I'd never even known those were things I was missing! and I'll never go back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anniversaries - it's great to set time where you can gush on your other. But I have a real aversion to these calendar killers. It's a mental block I developed in junior high, that whispers I shouldn't need to make a fuss about this one event, this one day of the year. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Hallmark holidays - it's all the same. Each year I fight the urge to ignore, because not everyone feels the same way I do. I mean it's nice to reflect, yes, but people get SO excited about THIS DAY that it turns me off. And if you're only doing something nice because the calendar rolls around again, some shite has gone wrong. I don't know, maybe I should just enjoy how Travis and I can make these days unique for us. So in as much as I'll allow myself to get sentimental, Travis is tops and the word love doesn't come close.
We eloped May 24, 2010. Afterwards, I told him the day I don't laugh is the day I get a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some of the "we both" reasons:
Here are some of my "he" reasons:
If we ever need to split, the amount of photo evidence indicating we were ever together is so minimal, it could be wiped out in minutes. Not saying that's a good thing, just saying.
You're seeing probably 75% of all the photos we have together. word.
I was working at a previous job when I started chatting with this guy who worked down the hall. We had fun banter, not really flirty because he was awkward and I wasn't sure his deal, but I liked him. We hung out after work, went to shows, and I stayed at his place when my driving privileges were revoked (that's another story for another time.) I've always been a person who has to feel a certain spark/passion/umph in order to date a fella. I don't understand it and I don't fight it. I started feeling he was looking for something more, but I just wasn't into it. In fact, many great guys who would have loved to date me, have been in my life. But I just wasn't into them like that. My go-to defense was the longer I play naive, he'll eventually get the hint. I think it worked...
This guy still invited me to shows, including one in Silver Lake at Spaceland, to see Mondo Generator. It was Dec 2002. I didn't know who they were but it was supposed to be an awesome show and any activity where I could spend less time at my parents house, was perfect. He said we'd be meeting up with some friends of his. cool. As the ticket line sprawled up towards the hip houses, we found his friends Travis and Jaime. I immediately had that umph with Travis when he was sweet and cracked a joke, but my gut told me he and this chick were together, so I set the switch to internal. They were fun - laughing a lot, the band was fine, and we had a swell night.
After the show, we popped by Travis' truck where I had ditched my purse. As I held it, we stood in the ready to part ways circle and said the customary nice to meet yous & goodbyes. I wasn't given the future invitation to "hang out again," so even though I thought Travis was rad, I figured I'd never see him again. When dude and I were walking back to his car, I asked how he knew them. He said Travis and he worked together previously, but did not include Jaime in that reminiscence. He never mentioned whether they were/were not dating so I assumed she was part of the package. I didn't really want to ask either, since I thought that'd be rude. As we walked away I thought eh, I'll meet someone else.
3 months went by until a random course of events brought 3/4 of us together again on Feb 25, 2003. I got tickets to see Queens of the Stone Age at The Grove of Anaheim, giving one to the dude as a thank you for putting up with my lack of driving. I bought them in person at Wherehouse Music, getting lucky with pit wristbands. Travis is a HUGE Queens fan (which I didn't know then.) I guess dude mentioned to him we were going, Travis said - so am I! We agreed to carpool and again I felt {fucking umph, but really can't say anything with both of them there.} We stopped by the merch table, where I bought some QotSA panties (cuz that's all the money I had) and Travis bought a poster. I offered to use my girlish ways to get our wares back to the car for safe-keeping, since most shows - once you're in, you're in. And I wanted to do something nice for Travis by keeping his poster un-ruffled. Travis told me later when I left for the car, he started asking this dude what my deal was. He liked me but wasn't sure if dude liked me too, and whether it would be ok to call me. Dude said ok and Travis did. Which was likely the beginning of the end for that friendship, for numerous unreasonable reasons.
Turns out the night we met, Travis and Jaime had just broken up - like days prior or something. Which makes sense for me thinking they were a couple. I know what it's like to break up but still hang out, so that wasn't odd. And years later, all three of us are friends - and I like that. Also turns out the night we met, Travis thought dude and I were trying to date, so he didn't want to pursue anything then either. We each found out the others' side a few months after that Queens show. We'd been talking and having lunches - often. And that's all it took. The umph I was speaking about was growing. fast. Lengthy conversations with dude turned to brief chats as he was pulling away more and more. I learned later that was kinda his thing, so I stopped sweating it. We haven't spoken to him in many years. fuck him.
Every relationship with a person (friendship or other) has a unique quality that cannot be programmed for the next. And you never really know why two people fall together, but we did. What was it I found so intoxicating? He made me laugh, he listened, and he helped. I'd never even known those were things I was missing! and I'll never go back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anniversaries - it's great to set time where you can gush on your other. But I have a real aversion to these calendar killers. It's a mental block I developed in junior high, that whispers I shouldn't need to make a fuss about this one event, this one day of the year. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Hallmark holidays - it's all the same. Each year I fight the urge to ignore, because not everyone feels the same way I do. I mean it's nice to reflect, yes, but people get SO excited about THIS DAY that it turns me off. And if you're only doing something nice because the calendar rolls around again, some shite has gone wrong. I don't know, maybe I should just enjoy how Travis and I can make these days unique for us. So in as much as I'll allow myself to get sentimental, Travis is tops and the word love doesn't come close.
We eloped May 24, 2010. Afterwards, I told him the day I don't laugh is the day I get a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some of the "we both" reasons:
- unconditional love is bullshite.
- spending time apart is healthy
- tea time is rad
- black shirts are the number one clothing asset
- Leroy, the puppy boy
- God? silly fiction
- The Wire
Here are some of my "he" reasons:
- makes me better
- a million others
If we ever need to split, the amount of photo evidence indicating we were ever together is so minimal, it could be wiped out in minutes. Not saying that's a good thing, just saying.
You're seeing probably 75% of all the photos we have together. word.
Here's the poster I saved from the savage pit beasts.
at a friends wedding
before leaving for our elopement
waiting for our appointment
cheese.
sniff.
at The Bazaar <3
at a thing
my favoritist, ever.
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