When Your Number Is Extended.

"Nothing happens until something moves."
- Albert Einstein

Reflection is a peach, ain't it?  If only those words had graced my plate all those months ago I could have saved a lot of heartache.  you'll see.  This is the conclusion to a series of four posts relating to what had been happening with my job & company.  This cessation on pixelated paper started the weekend leading into February 2, but I could never corral the words to finish.  The events ended up being too raw for any cohesion, let alone finding the strength to edit myself.  And although often present in thought, patiently its been waiting in drafts' silence.

Recently I grabbed a doughnut, lifted the lid and peeked inside.  For what it's worth, this is about 68% original words.

And I'm sorry it took so long to see the end, if anyone (I'm sure no one) had been following the story.

*************************

Monday, February 2.

My gut told me this would be the week; no more delays.  The air was thicker, the people combative - or maybe I was just conditionally defeated and every interaction felt like junk.  I didn't want to speak with anyone, let alone be there, but no where else would have me.  The Trojan horse was nearly upon us and I had zero defense.

I distracted myself with work, begging to keep afloat; tasks requiring anything above a key punch should be avoided.  I expelled tremendous amounts of energy willing all the feelings down, placing cupped hands over my eyes & fingers plugging my ears while invisible pink slips danced in the wings.  But it was no use; the day was shot.  All I'd been able to do was hitchhike around my head, holding a Map of the Imminent.  How could I have experienced so much already, with so much left in the distance?  I was thrashed, somber, and unhinged...  The clock sluggishly found 6 and I headed home, wondering whether tonight will finally reveal the impending tomorrow.

Travis could sense the agitation as I walked in the house.  He asked how this Monday had been any different than all the other times it was supposed to have happened.  I remained motionless, unintentionally ignoring him while my head grasped for sense.  It just was and I attempted to articulate more: was it intuition, was it a desire to rip off the bandaid?  I hacked away at the emotional onion, but it was void of substance.  Even tears.  I just needed to know he was there when all others had long split.

I planned to go with him to his late night comedy show, because fuck it all if I'm tired.  Before leaving though, I called my best friend Anne.  I had to ramble to another set of ears in an attempt to silence mine.  And after what I'm sure were long-winded sentences, the lightbulbs stopped their electric flicker.  ...pretty sure I sight-gag dropped the telephone.  The months of mental anguish I forced myself through hadn't prepared me for shit because it wasn't working towards anything definitive.  Just a bunch of vague birds squawking, their flightpath dancing to the ACME carnival band.  And already chosen was the first bird to poop.  So dude, it was all for naught.  How could I have not seen that.  Or maybe I did but I just didn't want to accept it.

The conversation said goodbye and for the first time in what seemed like over a year, I actually shelved those blasted thoughts.  It was so liberating to close the door for a night, while I enjoyed the company of a most handsome husband.  We went out and had a swell evening, lots of laughs and some beers.



Tuesday, February 3.

NOTE: I had a lot typed here initially.  A lot.  Details accounting most of the day because maybe as a reader you've never experienced a giant layoff.  In a nutshell - it's hard... really, truly, miserably hard.  In seconds you find out some really amazing colleagues were just canned and even less time to question why you were spared.  And in my case, again for the umpteenth time.  But as I switched this, moved that, redacted here - it was either nothing new or nothing interesting.

*****


9:00am and the company wide email arrived to innocent inbox's & apprehensive eyeballs.
fuck.
9:00am, 37 seconds and on to the afternoon was sad.  So very, very sad.


I spent those spiritless hours being there for anyone who wanted to talk.  Those choice people would entrust me to hold their crying tears, or happy tears, their secrets...  I'd hold them for how ever long was needed.  It was my small way of making a contribution to such an event.

If by 5pm our bodies still remained on site, we were employed.

~~~~~

Travis and I took a walk that evening and I talked more of what happened.  About my friends who suddenly faced joblessness in two months and how it made me feel.  Not selfishly, but therapeutically.  Many of those people hoped they would receive papers and for those, I say hellz yeah.  But some weren't as optimistic and that fully sucked.  To leave on your own accord is palatable, to be asked to leave is not something easily digested.  And for the colleague who'd screamed the loudest for change {clears throat} namely me, I was told the only thing to look forward to was my boss having a new face.



So It Goes.
I spent way too much precious time working the various angles of my future, analyzing what a layoff would or would not have meant.  Justified the pros and cons, rationaled daily where my career was, where I desired it and what did I even want anymore.  If I'd been working a theoretical math problem, there'd be no visible blackboard.  I drove myself batty inside a deprivation mind pod of what-ifs.  And you know what?  It never made a fucking difference in the end.  The creation of a new division and retaining 'the best' people wasn't even a blip of consideration, so thanks brain for prolonging the distress.  'preciate it.

I met Tough Tuesday with my hard fought decision that being laid off was the answer because the situation had become so bad, for so long.  I justified it as being the push over the cliff needed to work towards what I'd been threatening for a while: starting something artistic & entrepreneurial.  I have ideas!  But at a deeper level, a layoff became a fantasy.  A short answer to a long term stalemate.  This crutch I was clinging to inadvertently became the excuse for why I never started previously.  It came down to the justification that without a 9-5 job, I'd finally have the means and time to pursue this thing.  whatever this was.  And although not totally inaccurate, probably wasn't the best approach.  But it was something theoretically tangible so I went with it.

Being vulnerable is tough.  Being vulnerable financially and businessey is super tough.  I sought change in my life, but did I need to lose my job in order to make that happen? 

*****

Shortly after the new division found its footing, movement towards opportunity was suddenly a very real concept.  My new faced boss listened, cared about what I wanted and pushed to know what I needed.  Not just additional responsibility and challenges, money too!  which doesn't suck  He's done more in the last 5 months than the other did in 3 years, so things are much better.

I'm feeling valued;  I'm the leaderbot of our new Culture Club; I'm finding joy again.



Don't fuck with Einstein.

Can't Sleep. Worrying.

It's currently 5:24am, cold, and I can't sleep.  I wish by everything I could, but it's eluding me.  I woke up 24 minutes ago because 'can't sleep. worrying."  I think I was dreaming about all the business but can't be sure.  I know it's in my head though because I journalled it here, part 3.  But I can't be sure since tonight's dream state was weak.  Maybe just getting this out will help lure the sandman back to bed.

I've been drafting texts to friends and preparing myself for what I feel is coming sooner than naught.  Don't pity, it's to people that make me laugh.  It goes something like this: "Well it's been announced... let the Hunger Games Begin!!"  I can't fucking lose laughter too...

There's certainly a responsibility that comes with knowing the impending, but maybe that's not so great.  Travis' company was blindsided by major layoff news; so he wasn't, but then he was, in the throws of it.  Having a single day to process the full range of emotions, where as I've layed with them for months.  He didn't have the dread and anxiety I've felt.  He didn't have time to speculate or interpret what does it all mean, I have.  He got dumped on VS my ramp up.

I don't know anymore whether I prefer to be shot with an arrow or chunked off the ship.



p.s. at least I can laugh in my head now (it's 5am people and puppy is sleeping next to me) about this visual.

When Your Number is Paused.

I've been chronicling the degradation of said workplace.  Part 1 and Part 2.

Read it or not.

     the 50¢ tour:
Year after year management decides it's time to cut costs, re-focus, be more strategic, re-organize, shift with the industry, declutter, bake cookies... yatta, yatta, yatta.  To what once felt like a second family of misfits, many of those maladjusted cousins are permanently off to college (some never having said goodbye.)  What remains for those who are left; an aftermath.  Give myself a pep talk to keep going, only to have the foundation fracture and I'm left rebuilding upon tear stained rubble.

This is a short dive into how I've felt since Part 2.
11 days have passed.

A week ago last evening, Travis and I went on a walk without Leroy.  His exercise dance card has been quite full lately, so he was asleep, tucked snuggly at home.  It was a welcomed change for us to hold hands (in our tough guy way {pop the collar/single shoulder shrug}) and be completely focused on each other.  We walk a lot, not necessarily going anywhere in particular.  roaming.  This particular night was crisp but not cold, so the conversation flowed easily.  It's some of the best, cheapest therapy we can offer each other.

When it came to my turn, I broke down.  The emotions who kept insisting I had it together, closed their doors and turned out the lights.  I found myself standing next to my husband in the middle of a quiet, dark street, crying.  From down the way I saw a single car make way towards us, its beams felt like spotlights on my tears.  As it passed, my eyes shot upward so this stranger couldn't witness my moment.  It's not for them.

I composed my voice long enough for it to unravel with each step of my Tiger's.  I asked questions neither of us knew the answers to, but dispelled them into the air for validity.  I'd been oblivious to me submerging certain feelings under a worthwhile numbness.  Just enough to get through the "pain."  Meanwhile little emotional plankton were ascending, growing angry, bitter and resentful towards the entire organization.  The alph being ginormously frustrated.  When 9am rolls around, I become completely disengaged and for once, unwilling to remain motivated towards anything outside day to day.  And since I supervise several people, I'm forced to switch those feelings off when it comes to keeping them going.  So not only are they fucking with my ability to pursue my life, they are now dictating my professionalism.

I held Travis' hand tighter, nestling into his shoulders while we continued to walk, unsure how my legs were moving.

I'm over it, but they won't let me say fin.

When Your Number Isn't Up. Yet.

Unsure why I never posted the good* news.      * as in I have no news.  Yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last October I wrote about the impending layoffs at my company.  The continued rounds they go through to restructure, optimize, strategically position themselves within the industry over the next 5 years are just buzzwords to spit.  It makes them feel better, or the stockholders, or whoever pretends to care.  But most of the folks who keep the engine greased are unmotivated, unhappy, and looking for a place that appreciates their talent and stimulates their soul.  Or is it just me?

When I shared the original entry, details were very speculative.  Certainly for me since I'm the lowest lady blazer bird on the block.  No executive was sharing specifics because why cause panic; but it soon became clear what was already assumed.  Major change was happening but no one knew where the hammer would fall.  In anticipation of hour zero, I even drafted my layoff tweet.  that's kinda fucked huh.

Several tense days passed before my boss called me in for an abrupt conversation.  Up until then, dialogue had ceased, which wasn't helping mitigate concerns.  I can't even offer details if I wanted, other than her saying we're not affected right now.  ...ok...?  It took another 15 minutes of questioning to realize we had been spared the poisonous pink slip till sometime in the new year.  I.e. right about now.
 
I'm glad I saved that tweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting here today, once again on our bed, I watch Leroy play with a pinecone he snuck in.  It's colder now and the door isn't open nearly as often, but I can still hear the street begin to stir.  A few early risers starting their Sunday journey, while I sink with blankets into mine.  Travis is asleep and the cone rattles on the floor; I smile to myself. I don't get why he loves to rip sticks apart, but it's one of his quirks that makes me love the face even more.

During the October discovery, I visioned our outdoor space slipping away.  It was not the inability to fund the work that was disheartening, but losing the means to spend more quality time with the good people in my life.  All the efforts to see it through, washed away.  If that makes sense - I know it's a fine line.  Now, that reverie has morphed into a present realization the imminent is fast approaching.  Not sure exactly when the decision will assemble, but I strongly speculate in the next few weeks.  what a mess.

• Hearing rumors the company will cut people, then be told oh totally, but not you, yet. just hang in there kid for another 3 months while we figure shit out.  It's cool, though.  Keep working hard... you're swell until we say otherwise.
• Oh sorry - you're position has been eliminated.  Or sorry - you'll have less people.  Or - sorry, you'll have more work and less people. Or sorry - you'll have more work, less people, a new boss and no extra money.
• Or WOW! With all this reorganization, we'll be promoting you with a new title, a bit more money, so here - handle all the broken people pieces and get back to work.

thanks yo.

I've had to mull this information in my brain pot for nearly four months.  Four.  Months - think about that.  Having to ponder, question, deduce, rationalize and quantify all the things your mind throws at you in order to justify what's happening.  week after week.  day after day.  Repeatedly trying to understand what you're feeling.  And what you should prepare for.  And having to explain it to people.  And wondering whether you'll be ok after all is said and done.  Craving the positivity in something that is unavoidably filled with sadness. This time affords some acceptance, but not fully.

The collective is most upset by the seemingly dismissive administration who has kept us waiting.  I'm not daft in thinking these decisions aren't unpleasant, nor should they be taken lightly.  However, waiting in the wings are hundreds of employees not knowing whether they will stay above the surface or go down with the ship.  Scrimp or splurge, staycation or vacation.  This time; not the last time.

The productivity vibe of the office has been somewhere between a Christmas break, where you don't want to do anything, and holiday, where you're scrambling to finish shit.  Why jump into something as it may not matter in a few days. It's a goofy yo-yo effect that keeps me half present, half apathetically numb.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The roads ahead have led me to know it's change I seek, in whatever form.  Comforting how much solace that actually provides.  I'm no fool when it comes to predicting the outcome, so here's my top 3 in the ranking I hope: (1) The company regenerates into a better model and I am given the opportunity to excel once again (2) I've been let go, trading the 9-5 mindset for a pursuance in my own thing (and ok, maybe not so bad having an extended 'vacation' (3) acknowledge this entire foil may not revamp the stagnant career I currently feel, so hello splitsville.

I am ok.  I will be ok.  No joke it'll be hard - I'll cry, probably curse, seek refuge in others for a little bit.  But in an odd way freeing.  That's what keeps me going.  It has to...

When Your Number May Be Up

I'm currently sitting on our bed hearing the lull of Sunday traffic.  Puppy at the foot, watching the world outside, hoping the tree gently rustles and he can bark at a squirrel.  I'm drinking hot green tea that our favorite person Mod, who co-owns one of our favorite restaurants, sources from a secret underground gremlin.  The sliding door is cracked and the shutters pulled open, so I can look out into our sunny backyard.  The vision I see, however, is what it will become, not how it sits today.  The new and improved Clark outdoor space!!  It will be inviting and private and mentally beautiful to be contained in.  We've been working hard for this vision to become a reality by next summer.  To enjoy this plot of land with my husband, my puppy, and our friends.  But those plans may be put on hold soon.

So I sit here and write, where I'm most comfortable and secluded.  For now.

I don't ever talk publicly about the company I work for.  And if you know, don't mention it.  In part, because who cares.  Also, I haven't been all that happy working here so no satisfaction for you.  You won't get any boring tales of bullshit because I promise, it's not that interesting.  But I do have a tops work ethic so I continue to go above and beyond what's expected of me.  It kinda messes with me being so committed to something you don't enjoy.  No joke though, it does become harder and harder when the motivation was laid to rest alongside what little remaining enjoyment I got out of it.  But I can't change who I am and that's what life gives you sometimes.  So I put up with it, but believe me, I peek over the fence - daydreaming of what more I can give myself and the world.

Around March of this year I had an inkling I would be laid off by December.  There was no basis for it, I just did.  I tossed it aside and figured it stemmed from my desire for career growth.  Strangely, I always felt untouchable because essentially there is no one else who does what I do.  And if someone were to take over, they certainly would not to the level of precision I dedicate.  People come to me and my team because we're trustworthy and get shit done.  There is no question about our strength and my leadership.  So obviously, that means job security {rolls eyes now.}  Naive, but onward.

Here we are now, several months later, where that trashed idea of mine has been yanked from the recycle bin.  In a nutshell, said company has been planning layoffs for a while.  Maybe the populous knows, maybe not.  But unfortunately it's nothing new, which means we're all sadly used to it.  Any element of family that once existed, is gone.  The common personal slogan round the water cooler is "It's not a matter of if, but when."  How encouraging is that to have invisible hellion's all screaming their chant when you walk among the halls.  I've advanced through previous rounds, never knowing how close I did or didn't come.  But I had to sit, watching my immediate boss be canned for reason X, Y, or Z.  It's fucking hard to keep starting over with someone new, when every person who ever directly stood up to see you grow is gone.  HR will say it's never personal, but it sure as fuck feels like it.  I joked with colleague once it must have been me.  Like I was a curse, a catalyst to the end of those executives' careers.  That notion sits with me and is a burden I won't shed for sometime.

The creative, stifled side of me would actually be relieved.  I'm done with the politics, wrinkle-inducing stress, and stupid decisions that make any job unhealthy.  I used to believe all places were like this, so I should suck it up.  Nope.  I was just too blind to see how bad things were.  That's changed now - it doesn't have to be the hand you're stuck with.  Taking time to start my own thing has been knocking at my impulses for a few years.  The concept drives me wild!  How goddamn exciting and scary, but exciting!  Work has never been an excuse for why I haven't tried before, but an undisclosed perk was self-doubt for my own ventures.  I'm burning that, okay, because that's lame.  I will never discount the tremendous amount of knowledge I've gained here.  I give props to myself for being a good student, because I am the most confident I've ever been in knowing I can start a business.  Be an entrepreneur, at what ever scale.  Simply being free, I could dedicate the brute force effort needed to see it through.  And it feels good knowing both the success and failure would fall on me.  I don't want to spin my wheels anymore for someone else's Billion dollar machine.  Fuck that.  My eyes are open now and it's easier to distance myself from the security.

Gah. the security.  The grown-uppy side of me is getting anxious and has indexed everything I'd lose.  The stability (err um instability), set salary, the retirement (not what I've contributed but future growth,) the health benefits and the silly perks that come with any job.  I'd also miss a few swell people.  If push comes to shove and I'm called in, I know they'll be plenty of tears and curse words.  It's always harder when you're asked to leave rather than on your own terms.  But with Travis back to work, some of these concerns are lessened.  That's a tick mark in the happy column.  And I will never dismiss how the job afforded us the opportunity to purchase a home and enjoy some niceties from time to time.  A few trips, a few nice dinners, but at what cost?  Me.  I'm the cost.  I've always paid a significant price to do those things.  And I was ok with doing that for a certain period of time, I'm just in a different head space now.

And maybe my own thing isn't the answer.  Maybe the answer is another version of my current job, in a more healthy environment.  Or maybe the answer is something new altogether.  Either way, that will come in due time as I honestly don't know which way the pendulum will swing.  Creative and Security are both equal partners right now.  So I sit and wait.