Thinkers, tinkers, and achievers, believers, connivers, and creativey types. I'm sure you can relate to the idea we're in a near constant debate against the most personally crippling antagonist we will ever know.
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I forced my eyes to remain closed this morning in the hopes that today a cognitive reprieve would be granted. Experiencing a days' worth of conversation without ever having peeped your waking surroundings in exhausting. maybe next time:
- i should get up. don't open your eyes because you know there's no chance. god why is there so much to do - i'm sure i won't get to it. again. i better strip the paint off those wood beams because i don't want to make any rash decisions about painting or staining when the construction starts. i wish it was done already so i could enjoy it. that's not too much to ask. will travis wanna sit out there with me and eat dinner? i'm so looking forward to spending mornings with puppy. when am i gonna exercise? should i go running today because i think it's helping that area look better or am i just imagining it would. barre class is a quick hours' work and i don't want to lose the groupon and i don't know how many sessions are left. but i could take puppy for a walk, then go jogging for a while, which would leave more of the morning free and burn more calories than barre, but it'll then be another damn week before i get back there and gah, how many classes do i have left? i should just go. i always feel better afterwards. it'd be really nice to say fuck it all today and take a long, slow walk to the doughnut shop without feeling guilty. i hate feeling guilty all the time. but i'd be alone and that kinda sucks and then i'll lose two hours of my day just doing that and puppy wouldn't get a walk and travis won't get a doughnut or he will and then his guilt will come since he can't work out right now. and then i'd feel bad and ugh... i should get up. this is pointless. my favorite time of day is happening and i'm wasting it laying here because i refuse to admit i'm up. limes! i really want my own business. oh yeah! i'll have lots of calories today after i workout so what dessert should i make? i can't believe how much i enjoy cooking right now. wait am i going or not going? i have to make a decision. i gotta be careful with all this low calorie business because I don't want the sunken face again. but shit, isn't that the tradeoff between the insecurities of my legs and how my face looks. i wish my legs looked better. i wish i didn't care. what's that thing amy said? you can't have a great ass and a great face? i should look that up. i'm so sick of blasted worrying all the time about this, maybe when i'm old i won't care. maybe it's this city. but if i'm fat when i'm old, that'll lead to other problems. maybe i'll be like that 90 year old gymnast who never stops exercising. that'll show my granny friends. i bet the neighborhood kids will like me. my negative foot and busted up knee already suffer... why am i so hard on myself? why can't i get over all this shit. i'm healthy. i'm hungry. why do i love the morning quiet so much? i have this same set of fantasies each weekend for some life i don't live. what can i make with all those blueberries i bought? i want pancakes but those have calories. i want a muffin but what's a good vegan recipe? i wish my brain knew this stuff. all those limes that tree is gonna give birth. fuck, i have so many ideas but so few actuals to show for it. that sucks. i need to change that because this one could really work. i'd need a great name. XXX lame. XXX no that's awful, XXX is kinda silly but stupid for my personality. maybe travis should help me because he's really good at that stuff. but then if it's amazing, he'll get the credit and this is my thing. no - saying that doesn't even feel right. I should just love the idea it doesn't matter where it came from. he's so supportive. dude, how long have I been laying here pretending I'm asleep? can i recreate this conversation and write it all down - this is important. i pretend i don't want to check twitter and facebook but to myself. that's odd. did I post something on instagram last night? i should just get up and make tea and write about that idea, finally. i was gonna do it. why do i fall into this pattern? just do it dude because you know its awesome. just like this other thing is awesome and you don't want to miss your opportunity. ok i'll get up, make some tea, water the plants while I check the three, then take puppy for a walk, then i'll come back and write and brainstorm and be kinder to me........... ugh. i should get up and start my day.
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