Helpless, Hopeless, I Can't Tell Anymore

• I feel utterly helpless with how much anger is being displayed in the world.  so much with the innocent people.
• I can't imagine what others feel, who are currently or have experienced tragedy in the face of violence.  it's sickening.
• I throw on my completely fucking defensive pants in honour of my friends who are threatened in person or on social media, yet feel downright powerless to help them.  once is too many.

Helping people is what I do, it's who I am, and I want nothing more than to drape a gigantic, impenetrable protective cape over everyone I know.  I want to keep them safe, but I can't.  I want to run and be their deflector shield against anything hurtful, but that's impossible.  I want to change what is broken, but all I can do is question.  I should also extend this to people I've never met, but I don't have enough fight left.

I'm not scared, but it makes you think.  it's not fair.  life isn't fair and when it comes to threats and brutality against innocent people, especially my friends, that's bullshit.

~~~~~

To my knowledge, I have never been in a situation where my life was in danger.  I have not faced death, have not had to fight for my life, nor been forced to do anything I didn't want to.  I have absolutely made a crapload of bad decisions, so I feel lucky none of those turned worse.  But bad decisions shouldn't come with an asterisk warning of "maybe this time."

I have no experience with daily barrages of peoples opinions who vehemently disagree with mine.  Not bombarded with nonsense by persons who feel the need to just be shitty to other humans.  And how would I feel if I did?  How do you learn to live/deal/excuse/ignore when all your might is geared towards educating the wrong.  Just because it happens a lot, doesn't make it right; I can empathize.  fucking human response, you can't argue with stupid.

I don't know what the answer is and these words are no solution.  But words in themselves, can be.  right?  I can be, right?  Words can change legislation, correct the wrongs of bygone eras, educate and help provide valuable treatment to those who need it most.  We have seen little to no course correction, but does that mean we should stop asking?  stop demanding?  I don't want this to be normal anymore, or an ever will be.

I'm angry.  I'm angry at faceless numbskulls who either get off by being assholes or aren't getting the help they need for a mental illness condition.  So I am angry because they showed me who they were.  I come from a place of compassion and care for people that do not deserve wretched hatred slung at them, while they are coming from a place of vile.

Does that mean I'm like them in some way? gawd I hope not.





PS: also, you guys know prayers are useless, right?